Nostalgia

Tonight I watched Midnight in Paris, which is a movie starring Owen Wilson as a writer visiting Paris who somehow travels back in time via a time slip scenario into the Paris of the 1920s, and hobnobs about with Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and Ernest Hemmingway and Pablo Picasso and Salvador Dali and a bunch of other 1920s folk.  Like any movie set in Paris, the opening montage of Parisian scenery made me all squealy and sentimental.  Seeing repeated footage of Parc Monceau, where I passed many an afternoon reading and writing and people watching, actually caused me to abandon my pumpkin pie momentarily, leaving my fork hovering in midair while I went all reminiscent and sappy.  It takes a lot for me to abandon pumpkin pie.  But it's ironic that these opening scenes should cause such a rush of nostalgia, since that's actually a major theme of the film.

You see, Owen Wilson's character wishes desperately that he could have lived in Paris in the 1920s.  But once he ends up there, he meets a girl who finds the 1920s to be dull and wishes desperately that she could have lived in Paris in the Belle Epoque.  But of course, one can imagine that the people living in the Belle Epoque would have wished desperately that they could have lived in the Renaissance.  It's a pattern...looking for a Golden Age outside of our own.

I know I've definitely been guilty of such nostalgia...just look at my sappy reaction to those opening shots of Parisian streets.  When things get rough in my life, I immediately wish that I was back in Paris, wandering the streets with an ipod and a guidebook and being surrounded by beautiful architecture.  I forget all the times that being abroad was difficult, because memory makes everything all golden.  Take this quote from the film:

Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present...the name for this denial is golden age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one one's living in.  It's a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present.


I think there might be some truth to this idea.  But that kind of escapism isn't just limited to thinking about the past.  Watching the movie put me in mind of another quote that really resonated with me in the past, from author John Green:

Imagining the future is a kind of nostalgia...You spend your whole life stuck in the labyrinth, thinking about how you'll escape it one day, and how awesome it will be, and imagining that future keeps you going, but you never do it.  You just use the future to escape the present.

Thinking on these things made me start to think about the present.  I'll admit, sometimes the present gets me down.  Advertisements bug me, news stories horrify me, and my own personal stress often makes everything seem like a big ball of weariness.  And so I'll escape off by thinking about other places, other times.  But here's the thing...we shouldn't not appreciate the present just because it's the present.  The present is remarkable.  In the present I can talk to my best friend face-to-face even though she's 500 miles away.  In the present I can sit comfortably inside a large metal contraption that flies through the air, reading a book and sipping a ginger ale, and be in an entirely new location in a matter of hours.  The present is full of things that would blow the mind of people of the past, and things are being created and written that will be sources of nostalgia for people in the future.

In my life of 23 years, I have traveled to 10 different countries.  I've stood in places where kings were born, where kings were imprisoned, and where kings were beheaded.  I've been educated for a whooping 19 years and am about to attain a masters degree.  I've read books by amazing authors and written things that have been sources of inspiration to others.  As a young woman, I sometimes think about how my daily life is filled with things that women in the past were not privileged with.  Even driving my car to and from work every day, I think about how "undignified" it would be for a woman of the 17th or 18th century to climb into a metal horseless carriage and go gallivanting around town at 60mph, completely unescorted no less.  It would be shocking.  I go to work in a church consisting primarily of Filipino people, and think about how the different cultures of the world used to be so closed-off from one another by vast geographical differences.  Even the grinding academic study to which I have devoted nearly my entire life would have been denied of me because of my gender in centuries past...and education is still denied of women in many countries.  I think of all of this, and I come to realize that, yes, my "present" is remarkable.

The moral of all this is simple: appreciate the past, acknowledge the future, but live in the present.  Appreciate the present for what it is.  Stop wishing for a different time, whether past or future, and know that the past was once present and the present will soon be past, and the future is nothing more than a present laying just beyond the horizon.

Still, if a carload of 1920s folk comes crawling down the street and they invite you to come along, I suggest you take them up on the offer.

Good Day!

Today was a really good day.  This really good day comes to you in three parts, and excludes one portion of the day that was not so good because I was exhausted and feeling sick.  Focus on the positive.

Part 1: Gave a KILLER presentation on my Children's Ministry class (bad terminology?  you get the point).  Seriously though, it went really, really well...I was very pleased with how it went, despite having a page of my notes mysteriously disappear from the printing (GoogleDocs was acting up).

Part 2:  My Pride and Prejudice earrings came in the mail from England today!!  Squeeeee!!!!!  This is good for two reasons: 1) I now have awesome new earrings, and 2) I no longer have to worry about the possibility of this small, untrackable package getting lost somewhere in the Trans-Atlantic shipping process.  PLUS, the packaging was (necessarily) all British-tastic, with a giant stamp of the Queen's head and stickers that say "Royal Mail" and "Par Avion."  It's always good to have extra proof that something European has entered your life.  And the earrings look just like they did online, which is also good!  I've spent a good amount of time tonight just holding the box and looking at them, which may be nerdy, but they're pretty and I like them :)

Part 3: Spontaneous Frozen Yogurt outing with friends, after an evening consisting entirely of television and frozen pizza.  I'm finally off the massive homework pile, and have time to relax again!  Now if only I didn't have to go to class and work tomorrow...Thursday nights are always deceptively Friday-like in my life.  But maybe I'll wear my new earrings tomorrow and remember the goodness that was today :)

Picture Frame

I updated my digital picture frame today with pictures from my life in Dallas.  Until now, most of the pictures were from about 2 years ago, and I rarely turned on the frame.  But replacing them with more current pictures made me realize how truly thankful I am for my friends, both old and new, and for my family.  Dallas might drive me crazy sometimes, but overall I'm happy here.  It's funny how easily I forget that when I'm stuck in traffic or sitting in the library for hours on end.  And between last night's pumpkin party and tonight's Chinese buffet/Johnny English adventure with a friend, I've had a good dose of friendship and laughter this weekend, which is always good for the spirits.  Plus, I booked plane tickets home for the week after Christmas today, meaning I get to see my family at Thanksgiving AND Christmas!  And even if both of those visits last less than a week, they're more than I thought I'd be able to have.  And I like my job...I'm truly really blessed, and it's too bad how much I forget that.

Proactive About the Future

Today consisted of 5 parts:

Part 1: IHop with a friend.

Part 2: Laundry.  So much laundry.

Part 3: Applying for post-graduation jobs.  More on this momentarily.

Part 4: Working haphazardly on my Doctrine of God paper, and frequently discovering that I'm a borderline heretic.

Part 5:  Watching the Cardinals KILL the Rangers 16-7 in Game 3 of the World Series, with three home runs by Albert Pujols (putting him on par with Babe Ruth).  That's some good vindication for a St. Louis girl who is constantly frustrated by Dallas traffic.

Now back to part three...even though I don't graduate for another 6 months, I went ahead and started the process of applying for jobs today.  Can't start too early, right?  Well, you probably can, but for motivational purposes I think it's a really good thing.  Generally, when I think about finding a job, it seems vague and intimidating, but after revamping my resume and writing up a good cover letter (both of which are obviously tweaked and edited for the job at hand), I'm actually feeling excited and positive about finding a job!  For one thing, I've discovered that while finding a job may be hard, applying for them is easy...it never hurts to send in an application, and now that I've got basic application documents at hand it's really easy to apply.  And even if it's only October, I figure it's never too early to get my name out there.  One of the churches already responded saying the position has been filled, and I haven't heard from the other one yet, but you miss 100% of the shots you never take, right?

Whodunit

Tonight I was witness to a murder.  Happily, it was not a real one.

Actually, tonight I went to a Murder Mystery Dinner Theatre show with a couple of friends...and it was so fun!  I actually had a lot more fun than I expected to, given my general dislike of actors who interact with audience members.  The show was put on by The Murder Mystery Company, and, through the wonders of Groupon, cost just $20 for a three-course meal and interactive mystery (the regular cost is $60).  Even better, tonight's show somehow got upgraded from the usual venue to Eddie Deen's Ranch, a big Western-themed event venue that was a lot of fun.  The night had a masquerade theme, so we all donned our masks and headed off to solve a murder!

The meal was tasty - salad and AWESOME rolls for starters, then beef roast, mashed potatoes, and veggies, and a fudge/walnut pie to finish things out.  I kind of  got a kick out of the juxtaposition of the Western decor and menu with the otherwise "Billionaires Club Masquerade" theme of the event...but I guess that's Texas for you.  

The show went down in three acts, in between which we guests all milled about and talked to the "suspects," trying to figure out who killed the poor general by poisoned cigar.  There were probably about 15 suspects or so in total, and I really thought that any one of them could have done it.  Although, in the end, the killer was someone that our table didn't even suspect at all...but then again, as much as I love reading mystery novels as a long-time Agatha Christie fan (and Boxcar Children before that), I have NEVER been able to properly figure out the ending to a mystery (that I can recall), so I don't suppose I should have expected tonight to be any different.  It was a really fun night though, and a great way to start the weekend!

After the show, we wandered around the room and took a couple silly pictures with the decor, like this gem of the three of us thrown in jail...

That's probably how we'll all feel tomorrow when we're working on our Doctrine of God papers (due this Wednesday)...glad to have had a fun night tonight!

"Me" Night

It's finally the weekend.  Well, it's as much of a weekend as I really get anymore...working for a church, my days off are Saturday and Monday, so the "weekend" kind of gets split up by work and at least one day overcome entirely by homework.  But, it is Friday night, and I took advantage of it for some much needed "me" time.

I therefore spent the evening engaging in the following activities:

-Taking a 90 minute nap

-Depositing a paycheck.  Always good.

-Briefly browsing Old Navy, only to discover that I wasn't in a clothes-shopping mood (which, for me, means feeling rich, feeling energetic, and feeling attractive, none of which were happening today).

-Shopping at the new Wal-Mart by my house...which included buying class materials for Sunday and (impulsively) the Just Dance 2 Wii game that I've been wanting to buy for the last 9+ months (yes, people do have babies in the same amount of time that it takes me to justify spending $40 on a video game).

-Watching The Swan Princess.

-Painting my toenails pink.

-Eating a Falafel salad (which is something I made up because the pita was falling apart, so I just ripped up the sandwich and dumped it on a plate.  Bam.  Falafel salad).

-Playing guitar.

-Watching Friends DVD commentary (on "The Holiday Armadillo" episode).

-Eating Ben & Jerry's ice cream.

-Burning CDs for my confirmation kids so they can learn the books of the Bible in hip musical fashion (I found this clip this morning and have been singing it to myself all night, so I feel like it'll be an effective learning strategy for them):

-Watching this week's Modern Family episode on DVR.  I'm pretty sure the line about Cam's diets "crashing and burning into a pile of Nutella" was based on my life.

...and that's really about it.  No homework, no cleaning, and the work tasks I did were enjoyable so they weren't any hardship.  I really needed tonight for my mental/emotional health.  Hoping for a productive day tomorrow morning, then plans with friends in the late afternoon/evening!

Looking Forward

Today was the first day of school at my alma mater.  I wouldn't have known this if not for the conglomeration of "happy-first-day-back"/"I-miss-Transy!" statuses that popped up all over my Facebook this morning.

It was at this point that I discovered a startling truth:  I don't miss Transylvania.

This is not to say that I don't have positive memories of my undergraduate years, or that I don't still want to maintain friendships from those years.  I just don't sit around actively pining for the past.  And THAT is something that is very, very different from last year.

Last year, I was acutely aware of all the goings-on at Transylvania that I was missing.  For example, I remember one evening last September when I realized that I was putting groceries in my car while the majority of my friends were starting the first night of sorority recruitment, and subsequently felt sad, like I was missing out on something.  Of course, in retrospect, this is silly - I hadn't missed out on anything from college (except that perhaps I made more responsible decisions than the stereotypical college student).  I had my four years, and I moved on, like everyone is meant to do.  But for my entire first year out of college, I missed those years with a passion - it felt like something had been taken from me.

Which is why not missing Transy was an intriguing realization this morning, and why seeing Facebook posts of other people missing Transy was odd...because no one missed Transy more than me last year.

It's probably no coincidence that my not-missing-college epiphany coincided with the equally surprising realization that I love my life here in Dallas.

Yes, I get stressed out with homework.  Yes, there are times I want to crawl under the library table and hide. Yes, there are times when it's hot and there are lizards and I wish that Texas was a bit less Texan.  Yes, there are times that the traffic makes my goody-two-shoes self want to swear like a sailor.  But overall...I love my life here.  It took me a full year, but I'm finally beginning to feel the connection to my life here that I once felt to my life in Lexington.

I feel like I belong here.

Even better, I feel like I'm at a point where I look forward more than I look back.  And that is a very good feeling.

Oriented.

I am officially oriented to my internship...with the exception of meeting with my mentor pastor and lay teaching committee for a couple hours tomorrow night.  Overall, I really enjoyed the last two days...I think it's going to be a good year of internship, and I'm excited to get back into more hands-on ministry - even if I'm still as nervous as all get out.

In other news I ate chips and dip for dinner.  I fully acknowledge that this was a bad idea...but it sure was satisfying.

Later on, I went and got frozen yogurt with a friend and talked about our lives, which is always good.  I also realized tonight just how happy I am with my life right now...so happy. :)

A Giant Dose of Happiness

Is anyone else feeling weighed down and burdened by all the stuff that's been going on lately?

Royal wedding aside, the last two weeks have really sucked.  The hundreds of tornadoes that tore through the country (including one that came uncomfortably close to home), the stuff with Osama Bin Laden and the possibility for retaliatory attacks, the sickening and disturbing reactions people are having to the Bin Laden news, a returned focus to 9/11, severe weather warnings every other day...not to mention the perpetual rain, sudden cold temperatures (50 degrees!), and homework stress that's been piling up on me personally...I'm ready for a break.

So, in order to lighten everyone up a bit, today's post is a collection of videos to make you smile.  I'm posting a lot, because I need a giant dose of happiness.  Watch as many as you like, according to the amount of happiness you feel needs to be added to your life.  There's something for everyone! Enjoy!

Why I Love the Royal Wedding (And Why You Should Love It Too)

In case you weren't one of the estimated 2 billion people watching, or in case you've been living under a rock for the past few months and have just now crawled out and chosen my blog as your news source, I'm here to tell you that today Prince William married Kate Middleton in Westminster Abbey, in London.  It's kind of a big deal.

I wasn't one of those die-hard people who woke up at 3am to watch the ceremony unfold, but I DID record Good Morning America's entire 6 hour broadcast and watched almost the entire thing when I finally did wake up around 9:00 this morning, and I watched about 2 more hours of news coverage/documentaries after an afternoon shopping adventure.  Actually, that shopping adventure included buying wedding gifts for my three friend-couples who will be getting married this summer and included happening upon an imitation of Princess Diana's (now Kate's) engagement ring at Charlotte Russe.  You might say it was a wedding-tastic day...except that instead of eating canapes and bacon butties I had a bowl of cereal and Five Guys Burgers and Fries.  Classy.

Back to the royal wedding, I can give you several reasons why I loved it.  Here are five specific, concrete details that I thought were absolutely fantastic:

1) Kate's dress: OMG.  Beautiful, right?  Classy and timeless and fabulous in every way.

2) William's red uniform: Like a fairy tale prince popped out of a Disney movie into real life (except less naive than James Mardsden in Enchanted).

3) Maple Trees as Decoration:  Sounds weird, but it was a fabulous idea.  They looked beautiful juxtaposed with the gray pillars of Westminster Abbey.  Whoever thought that one up should get a high five.  I had a fleeting thought that I'd like to do such a thing for my hypothetical wedding, until I remembered that one maple tree probably costs more than the entire budget of my hypothetical wedding.  Ah well.

4) London Flashbacks:  I've been to both Westminster Abbey and the general area outside Buckingham Palace, which were the two principal locations of the day, so it was fun to see them being all royally fabulous and whatnot.

5) Carriage Procession: Can you GET any more fairy tale-ish than to have the royal newlyweds travel off in a horse-drawn carriage complete with footmen?  I don't think so.  Maybe if that thing had turned into a pumpkin or something...otherwise, no.

But the thing that made me truly love the royal wedding, the thing that made me actually start to get a bit choked up sitting on my couch in my pajamas...it was all just so happy.

I've heard a lot of comments lately from people saying they're "over" the whole royal wedding news thing.  Whether people were sick of hearing speculation of what color hat the queen would wear or rumors about Kate's dress, whether people were tired of seeing William and Kate's faces plastered on magazines, or whether people were annoyed at primacy that the story was getting over other world issues, people were ready for it to be over.  I can understand the first two reasons; if you're not into the whole royal wedding thing, I'm sure that the constant blabbing about fashion and cutlery and guest lists gets boring and redundant after awhile.  But, honestly, I just don't understand the last reason.

I can understand the general thought process of people who were annoyed with the royal wedding for this reason; they think that with everything else going on in the world, with wars and monstrous storm damage and economic downturn and what not, news reports would be better spent by focusing on these "more important" things.  The social justice-minded people feel like so much money shouldn't be spent on a wedding, or that the amount of news coverage for the royal wedding should match the amount of news coverage about the plight of those living in poverty.  I totally agree that these are all hugely important things.  Extremely important.  But do we always have to focus on the tragedy of the world?  Every time I turn on the news, I'm bombarded with story after story of chaos and sadness and destruction.  Why can't we take the time to celebrate the joyful moments that make headlines?

When it comes down to it, I believe this is why 2 billion people around the world tuned into the royal wedding, and why people camped out overnight outside Westminster Abbey.  This is why the people of London lined the streets and filled Green Park, waving the British flag in the air and raising cheers that shook the walls of Westminster Abbey when William and Kate took their vows.  It's because the royal wedding was a sign of hope and happiness in the middle of a world in constant struggle.

Weddings are, by their very nature, forward-looking events.  They may always pop up at the end of fairy tales, but in real life they're just the beginning for the newly wedded couple.  The royal wedding, bursting with the joy of two people who sincerely love each other, marks a hopeful future for William and Kate that is tied to a hopeful future for their country, and by extension the entire world.  The very Cinderella-esque quality of the wedding makes it seem like anything is possible, like any circumstance can be turned around.  If a middle-class girl can marry a prince and become a duchess, who's to say you and I can't have our own happy endings?

One of my favorite moments of the wedding was the processional out of Westminster Abbey.  William and Kate headed up the line, followed by Prince Harry and Kate's sister, Pippa, followed by Kate's mother, Carole, escorted by Prince Charles.  Watching them walk down the aisle, I thought to myself, "What in the world must Carole Middleton be thinking?"  I wondered if she'd ever in her wildest dreams imagined the scene that she suddenly found herself in...looking ahead of her to see her two daughters on the arms of the two princes of England (knowing one of those daughters would henceforth be referred to as "her royal highness"), and  herself on the arm of the man next in line for the throne.  A daughter's wedding day is a monumental occasion for any mother; how could Carole Middleton have possibly imagined during her flight attendant days that this moment lay on the trajectory of her life?

Happiness.  Love.  Hope.

That's why I love the royal wedding...and why you, also, should love it.

Glimmers of Light

Lately, in intangible ways, I've started noticing fleeting moments of loving my life.

Basically since I moved here in August, I've been in a dark night of the soul - "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation" (thank you, Wikipedia).  Seriously though, even though I may have just quoted a Wikipedia article (it's late, cut me some slack), I actually know quite a bit about dark nights of the soul...besides being personally in one for nine months, I also just read a 320 page book about dark nights of the soul, and subsequently wrote a 10 page paper on said book.  Dark nights of the soul go deeper than just depression, to the very core of a person's being.  They tend to appear around major life changes...like graduating from college and losing an identity nearly inextricably tied to one's life at that college, and moving 10 hours away from family and living alone for the first time and changing graduate school plans at the last minute.  Any of this sound familiar?

But, I'm starting to think that I may be emerging from the dark night again...over the past couple of days (basically, ever since my car got literally picked up out of that ditch by a bunch of people who are my slight acquaintances at best), I've kind of been able to step out of myself and look at my life objectively, from the outside, without the lens of darkness and underlying loneliness tainting my view of my world.  And, when I look at my life from outside, I realize that there ARE aspects of it that I legitimately love.

It's little moments that have been giving me these fleeting glimmers of light lately...

...laughing harder than I've laughed in months with friends over tacos tonight

...doing homework on campus on a blanket under the evening sky, with the chapel looming overhead

...watching a video I took of the Anberlin concert I saw last fall

...finding new things to do in Dallas

...singing worship songs in my spiritual formation class this morning

....watering the community garden

...eating ice cream cookie sandwiches on patio seating

...getting the opportunity to try my hand at Zen meditation as a suburban-raised American white girl

...shopping for new clothes with a friend and laughing ourselves silly over a fish t-shirt

...saying hello to multiple people in succession on campus, and feeling known by people

...exercising in a state-of-the-art fitness center while chatting with a friend who's on the next exercise bike over

...feeling the young-people vibe in my neighborhood, and somehow feeling connected to the entire world of young-adulthood

...connecting with the women in my Bible study, and knowing that I'm being prayed for...and sensing those prayers working (particularly in the area of lowering school stress)

...liking the way I look, and feeling in control of my weight and general appearance

...forming multiple ideas of possibilities for post-graduation, and feeling like I'll have several choices to pursue that I could enjoy and be good at doing

They're all little things, and I know there's others that haven't made the list.  I can't really describe how these moments make me feel except to say that they stand out against the loneliness and desolation as glimmers of light...hopeful moments that make me think that I can be happy and confident again, and even as much as I used to be.

Zen, and the Art of Lifting a Car Out of a Ditch

So a funny thing happened on the way to the Zen center today...

(I get to say things like that because I'm in seminary.)

The reason I was driving to the Zen center was because my Prayer and Spirituality professor (an ex-Jesuit monk turned Zen master) thought it would be a good experience for all of us to get our meditation on together for a few hours.  I had my GPS giving me directions, but still flew right by the entrance to the Zen center, as it was hidden by trees and surrounded by a shady fence.  The road looked like it was about to meet up with a highway, so I decided the smart thing to do was to back up into a driveway I'd just passed, and use that as my means of turning around to drive into the Zen center parking area.

Smart.  In theory.

What I did not realize was that the tall grass to the side of the driveway was actually coming up from a giant ditch that ran the length of the road.  So, because my reverse-driving ability has been rapidly deteriorating (see dented fender), I naturally wound up halfway in the ditch, with the front of my car resting on the road, my back right tire sitting on the bottom of the ditch, and my back left tire floating stupidly in midair.

I may have uttered a profanity.

After slamming the car door in anger, I ran back the 70 feet or so to the Zen center, where I found several of my classmates gathered.  On the verge of tears and with panic shaking in my voice, I cried out "I GOT MY CAR STUCK IN A DITCH!"  My friend Kristi tried to comfort me in her lovely motherly way, while another classmate pulled up in his pickup truck; his face lit up when the group informed him that the time of glory had come to him and his truck in an opportunity to tow something.  Meanwhile, I saw movement by my car off in the distance, so Kristi and I hastened over to the house to explain to the inhabitants why a seemingly abandoned Chrysler was teetering on the edge of their driveway, while Grant (the guy with the truck) and Mike (another classmate) looked at the car to assess the situation.  Kristi and I knocked on the door, and it opened to reveal a lovely Hispanic family.  I immediately began lamenting the day I decided to pursue bilingualism with a French degree, while Kristi explained the situation to the children, who translated our plight into Spanish.  The mother nodded in a mix of concern and confusion, and Kristi and I walked back to Mike and Grant at the car.

"We can't tow this out."

"What do you mean we can't tow this out?"

"We're afraid that if I pull you forward, we'll scrape the bottom of the car too much and knock off the oil pan or the engine.  And that's expensive to fix."

Crap.

"You'd be better off calling a wrecker to come get you.  Do you have Triple A?"

"I don't know..."

Fun fact: I DO have Triple A.  My parents mailed me the card months ago.  In my hazy, panicked mind, I could only think of my State Farm card.  Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.  I should have just sung the jingle, maybe Fran my agent would have teleported from his St. Louis office to help me out.  Didn't think about it at the time.

"There's a body shop up the street.  We could walk up there and see what they have..."

Exit Grant and Mike, to the body shop.

Meanwhile, the Hispanic family has emerged from the house to see how the progress is going.  Kristi tries to explain in Spanish why the guys were walking away, while I watch in alarm as one of the kids almost runs into the side of my car with his bike.  Just what I need, a dent from a wayward bicycling fourth grader.

Soon enough, Grant and Mike return saying that the body shop doesn't have anything to help us.  One of the Hispanic guys drives off to get a car jack from somewhere, and somehow Kristi, Mike, Grant and I start walking back to the Zen center.  I forget what happened in-between.

As we reached the gate, a crazy thought popped into my mind:

"What if we just got the whole class to come out and lift up the front end of my car, and push it back?  Do you think that would work?"

Grant and Mike blinked at me.

"That might work," says Grant.

"Could be dangerous though...if you hit the gas too hard you might accidentally run someone over," says Mike.

"We could put it in neutral."

"Yeah, neutral would work," agrees Grant.

"We could try it," says Mike, "as long as we don't run over somebody...that'd be even more expensive!  Haha!"

Haha.

So Kristi goes inside to rally the troops, Mike and Grant walk back toward the car, and I hover in the entrance momentarily before following Mike and Grant, like a puppy walking with its tail between its legs.  About the time we reach the car, the rest of our class emerges from the gate.  Let me give you a quick demographic of my class: 10% men, 90% small, skinny women.  Seeing them walk up the street, I didn't have much hope.  But here they all were, enthusiastic and making silly arm-flexing gestures.  Worth a shot, right?

After explaining why the car can't just get towed out, and figuring out how to get the car into neutral (that whole push-your-foot-on-the-brake-to-change-gears thing kind of eluded me under the present circumstance), I climbed into the car to steer while my 16 classmates gathered around the front and right side of the car.

"1!  2!  3!"

Seeing all those faces pressed up against the windows of my car isn't a scene I'm likely to forget anytime soon.  But somehow, the combined strength of 16 seminarians was working - the car was moving!  And then the car was stopping, dropped back down on the ground amidst many sighs of exhaustion.  Maybe this wasn't working after all...

"1!  2!  3!"

The car starts sliding backwards again, feeling ever more horizontal, until it stops once more.  This time, I see lots of cheering, clapping people through my windows.  Nothing like lifting a 1.5-ton car by hand to boost group morale.  Unfortunately, I was still too much in shock to fully celebrate.  But everyone said the car looked fine, and I cautiously drove back to the Zen center, thanked people weakly, and located a cushion to plop down on.  It was one of those moments where the amount of gratitude I was feeling was enough to move me to tears, besides the tears that were threatening to come flowing forth at any moment as a result of the stressful circumstances.  I'm worried I may not have appeared thankful enough...in reality, I didn't think I could express my thankfulness without giving way to an all-out breakdown that would have been counterproductive to the Zen meditation we were all about to engage in.  So I just sat on my cushion and stared blankly at the floor.

For the next two hours, we all got our Zen meditation on, balancing on cushions in variations of the lotus position, walking slowly and mindfully in circles around the creaky room, chanting Buddhist sutras, and participating in a tea ceremony. Because that's what everyone does after extracting their vehicle from a ditch, right?

Zen is all about clearing your mind and just BEING.  Unsurprisingly, I wasn't too good at that given the circumstances.  Plus, my feet kept falling asleep, and my perpetually-slouched back kept aching to sit straight and still for prolonged periods of time.  Halfway through the first meditation session, I slowly began to uncross my legs, bending my right leg vertically in front of me and wiggling my toes around to try to get some feeling back into them...

"BE STILL!"

Crap.  The Zen master saw me moving.

"AND KNOW...THAT...I AM."

Oh.  Okay then.  I'll keep wiggling my toes around and sitting unorthodoxly.

"BE STILL...AND KNOW."

That's a nice sentiment.  Be still and know.  It has a certain calm certainty about it.  Squeezing my foot now, trying to urge some of the blood back into it.

"BE STILL."

Stillness is not my forte.  Teetering back and forth on my little cushion, worrying that my car was damaged in some unidentifiable way and planning on breaking down on the interstate on the way home, and thinking about what my parents' reactions were going to be when I told them I backed the car into something AGAIN, I was really anything but still.

Regardless, I was surprised at how quickly the time went by as I sat there staring at the wall, and at how much more calm I felt about everything after the two hours of meditation were over.  Even though my mind wasn't the clearest of things, I was able to make some sense out of the situation, and be amazed at the power of community in action.

In ancient and operatic theatre, there is a plot device called deus ex machina; literally, "god out of machine."  When things in the plot get too twisted up and there seems to be no solution, the gods come down out of the sky, fix everything with their godly powers, and the unresolvable plot is resolved.  Looking back at my car, hearing Grant and Mike tell me that they couldn't tow it out, all I thought about was how much I wished God would just reach a giant hand down from the sky, pick up my car, and set it back on the road.  That would be nothing for God; it'd be like me picking up a Hot Wheels car that flew off its track.  But in the end, that's what happened: 16 pairs of God's hands were sufficient to lift me and my car up, and set us straight and back on our path.  Stressful as it was, it was truly a remarkable experience of the power of community in overcoming what seems impossible.

Meditate on that!

Things I Love Thursdays

My friend Ashley has been doing this thing called TILT for the last year or so, otherwise known as "Things I Love Thursdays."  You can read about things she loves in more detail here.  I forget whether I've done a TILT post on this blog before, and if I have then there's no point in me explaining it.  In any case, since today is Thursday, I thought I'd list off some things that I love :)

*This new top I bought at Target yesterday:

*Saying intelligent things in my church history class and having my professor praise my Blackboard post

*The final segment of Lost in Austen that I'm currently watching

*Listening to The Band Perry while driving with the windows down*

*Saying "Molly, you in danger, girl" at random instances:

*Orange Chicken bowls at Panda Express

*Writing stream-of-conscious French poetry that sounds lovely when read aloud

*This picture:

*Summer weather in March

*New cookbooks

*This clip from Sense and Sensibility:

*Browsing ridiculous jewelry and dresses at the fancy mall with friends

*Reading through family genealogy charts

*Free boxes of Thin Mints

*This video:



*And, of course...the fact that in my present life, the weekend starts on Thursdays :)

Julie and Julia...and Celia

Today I had a unique opportunity as a blogger-for-happiness-and-personal-improvement.  When I started this thing in January (already 2 whole months ago, if you can believe that) I had three primary inspirations to take the blogging route as a project of accountability for active change in my life:

1) My sister's assertion that New Year's Resolutions are pointless and that no one ever keeps them...since I had approximately 15 New Year's Resolutions, I  had a great desire to prove her wrong.

2) A recent viewing of Bridget Jones' Diary, wherein a socially awkward single woman decides to take control of her life and keep a diary for a year.

3)  A recent viewing of Julie and Julia, the movie adaptation of the book by Julie Powell, who, feeling like her life was going nowhere and having spent seven years in dead-end temp jobs, made an impulsive decision to cook her way through Julia Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in a year, and blog about it.

Well blog readers, today I met the source of one of those inspirations.  I met Julie Powell.

Now I say "met" because I did meet her, briefly, as one of many women filing through her book signing line at the SMU Women's Symposium today (which I only attended for the free lunch and to see Julie Powell).  Julie was the keynote speaker at the symposium.  I wasn't expecting to meet her, and I always stumble over what to say to famous people (friends will recall the conversation on Mexican food that I had with the lead singer of Anberlin at an album release party last fall).  I mean, what are you supposed to say, really?  "Hi, you're famous, that's why I'm standing in line to talk to you"?  The whole premise is kind of awkward.  But anyway, I asked her if she had any advice for aspiring writers (which I vaguely consider myself to be).  Her reply: "Do as I say, not as I do...Write through everything, even when you're depressed.  I would go weeks at a time without writing...that's half the battle really, is just pushing your way through."  Happy with this nugget of wisdom, I thanked her enthusiastically for coming to SMU, and wandered off with my signed copy of Julie and Julia.

Julie Powell herself

That's just one small aspect of my encounter with Julie Powell today, though.  Most of what I gained from her was by hearing her speak.  She was an absolute pleasure to listen to; very witty, very down-to-earth, none of that high-and-mighty attitude that you sometimes get with keynote speakers.  The thing that's cool about her is that she's really an accidental celebrity.  She pointed out the obvious today when she said "My thought process was never, 'Oh, I'm going to do this yearlong cooking thing and then write a bestseller, and then one day Nora Ephron will make it into a movie."  She just started doing something personal, for herself, and the rest of the world somehow took notice.  In fact, she said that she doesn't like to talk about the movie because thinking about it "creeps her out."  I can kind of see why...the whole thing was a random, personal project that suddenly launched her into the public fame sphere.  I think it would be totally bizarre to go and see "The Life of Celia" on the big screen, you know?  Or, try imagining this blog in film version (not so sure it would be as big of a hit).

I was interested to find out that the Julia Child cooking project wasn't the first crazy project that Julie embarked on in her life.  Apparently, she has a habit of starting these massive endeavors for no good reason; for example, she decided two weeks before her wedding to give a small handmade gift to each of her 250 guests, and subsequently spent her last two weeks as a legally single person "sculpting lots of tiny, fat naked women."  Things like that.  She said that from the time she was young, she had the idea that happiness was something given to you, something you earned and had to work really hard to get.  Happiness, in her words, was like trying to catch a leprechaun - you can see it off to the side, or know it's right behind you, but as soon as you turned to look at it, it would disappear.  To her, happiness wasn't just something that you had to work towards; you also had to wait for it to appear, and then manage to catch it before it flitted away again.

But now, post-Julie and Julia project, Julie doesn't see happiness this way so much anymore.  Instead, she sees it as something you just have to accept, to let yourself have.  Instead of constantly striving toward the next thing, or looking ahead to all these different things you want to accomplish in order to be "fulfilled", happiness might just be accepting a state of contentment with your present circumstances - being content with the people that are already in your life, with the things that you already have, and with whatever you're doing at the present moment.  Julie said, "happiness didn't come when I was offered a book deal, or when it was made into a movie, or when I got to meet Meryl Streep...even though those are all, objectively, REALLY awesome.  My moment of happiness, at the end of the whole process, was sitting with my husband, eating the last of Julia's recipes, and knowing that I did it."  She also brought up Thomas Jefferson's statement in the Declaration of Independence that everyone has the right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" - emphasis on the pursuit.  Don't we always  focus on the "happiness" part of that statement?  Sure, everyone has a right to be happy with their life...but even more, every person has a right to chase after that happiness with their whole being.  Happiness is something to work towards...but that goal is very likely closer than you realize.  And it doesn't necessarily require undertaking massive projects, like cooking 524 complicated French recipes in 365 days.  But, if it does, then go for it.

On the drive home, I was thinking about the advice that Julie gave me about writing - to keep writing, even when it's difficult and when you're depressed and don't feel like it.  I've heard that advice from other writers in  various formats, of course...but putting it in context with the "happiness" theme of the day, I think it is even more pertinent.  To be happy, to live at all, means that you have to keep living, to keep going even when it's difficult and when you're depressed and don't feel like it.  I've spent too many hours laying on my couch, staring at Facebook, wishing my life was different than it is, or that I was happier, or that I was better in such-and-such a way.  That's not living...not living life fully, anyway.

So here's to Julie, who today inspired me as Julia Child in turn inspired her.  I'm going to keep writing, keep going, and keep living...even if it takes a few crazy projects of my own to push myself forward.

Good Things

Happy First Day of March!  Here are some good things that happened to start off the month:

-Slept in late
-Cinnamon bagel and cream cheese
-Carpet padding replaced, bringing post-flood maintenance work down to just repainting
-98% and two "brilliants" on my New Testament paper
-Entertaining video in my Education class (instead of a boring one like usual)
-Interesting Church History Lecture (we're finally talking about European history, which I find much more interesting than ancient Greek stuff)
-Deposited a paycheck
-Chicken and pasta for dinner while watching "Chopped"
-Feeling good about my midterm on Thursday
-Doing step aerobics with the Wii Fit while watching "Private Chefs of Beverly Hills" on Food Network

:)

Bliss

This is bliss: cooking healthy and delicious tomato basil chicken and rice that makes the apartment smell like Italy, curling up on the couch with said dinner and watching "The Swan Princess," making frozen peanut butter and banana poppers, and working out with the Wii Fit.  

And this is how I spent my evening :)

If there's one thing that a week of focused goal-oriented diligence has taught me, it's that being productive in the beginning of the day sets you up to be productive throughout the day, which in turn allows you to have relaxing evenings that restore your sanity, thereby setting you up for productive mornings, and so forth...

If there's one thing that a week of focused, healthy eating has taught me, it's that the guilt-free feeling associated with eating better is one awesome feeling.

If there's one thing that a week of diligent, regular exercise has taught me, it's that exercise gives you endorphins. And endorphins make you happy.  And just as Elle Woods pointed out in Legally Blonde, "happy people just don't shoot their husbands."  They also don't wallow in fits of despair brought on by feelings of being overwhelmed and general lethargy.  They just don't.

Summary of one week back in Dallas: things are going great :)

Happiness Project: Positivity Playlist

I've recently discovered that most of my favorite music kind of carries depressing undertones.  Yeah.  Not necessarily depressing in a bad way - often, in a very good way, as the music and lyrics blend perfectly to convey the emotion of the song.  It's just that often, the emotion is unrequited love, over-glorification of being in love, or love lost.  I also possess a large quantity of Broadway music, which opens the door to identification with any number of dramatic plot-based conflict.  As much as I like all of this music, it can kind of wear you down to listen to it after awhile.  Anyone know what I mean?  I'm all for identifying with the pangs of love and catharsis through music...but sometimes you  just want something peppy.

Over the past couple of days, I've been going through my iTunes creating a "positivity playlist" - a collection of songs that never fail to make me smile.  Whether because they're ridiculously egotistical, spiritually uplifting, or just amazingly obscure, it's hard to feel sad when I listen to these songs.  I got a new iPod speaker for Christmas, so I'm planning to listen to the positivity playlist every morning when I'm getting ready for the day...if I can figure out how, maybe even use it as an alarm to more gently ease myself into daily consciousness.

Here's the list of my happy songs, as it stands after sifting through my iTunes...

-"Pretty Girl Rock", Keri Hilson
       With opening lyrics like "My name is Keri, I'm so very fly, oh my, it's a little bit scary...", you know this is gonna be so ridiculously vain that it provides a fantastic ego boost.  Thanks to my friend Lauren for the suggestion, her referral of this song actually sparked this whole idea.


-"Firework", Katy Perry
          I'm not a big Katy Perry fan, but this song is all about standing out and shining when you feel knocked down and overwhelmed.  I could use some of that in my life.  And fireworks are pretty.


-"Hey, Soul Sister", Train
        It has a ukelele.  And it just oozes happiness.


-"Nothin' On You", B.o.B/Bruno Mars
       It's about being beautiful.  Always good.  And it reminds me of that time that my friends Abby, Erica, Maggie and I drove to Cincinnati to see the Cardinals/Reds game and it played on the radio 500 times.


-"New Shoes", Paolo Nutini
       Because sometimes an attitude adjustment is as easy as a quick wardrobe change.

-"Everything to Me", Rockapella
     Yes, I got this song of the "Carmen San Diego" soundtrack that my family has owned since I was about 6. But, I'm always for a male a capella group singing about using ridiculous travel means to reach their girl.


-"Marvelous Light", Charlie Hall
       It's the song they sang at church the first time I went after deciding to get serious about my faith freshman year of college.  I listened to it practically every day in my baby Christian-hood.


-"Belle Demoiselle", Christophe Mae
         A peppy French song about a guy seeing a beautiful girl.  Let's imagine he's singing to me.


-"Everything Glorious", David Crowder Band
        One of my favorite praise songs; a reminder that God makes everything glorious, ourselves included.


-"You Are Holy (Prince of Peace)", Micheal W. Smith
       I like songs with echoes and opposing vocal parts...especially God-oriented ones that you can sing with your friends (or laugh at your ridiculous failure to successfully sing the opposite part, as some of my Perkins friends and I experienced one night)


-"I'll Make a Man Out of You", Mulan
      Gender disparity aside, I like to listen to this song because, as my friend Elizabeth once said, it makes me feel like somehow, by doing whatever it is I'm doing, I'm helping to defeat the Huns.


-"Fame", Naturi Naughton
       Besides being another fantastically egotistical song about how incredibly important and awesome you are, it allows me to spontaneously burst into last year's Cabaret choreography.


-"Umbrella Beach", Owl City
       Because it is just happy and bouncy, and involves "spread your wings and fly" imagery...and, on a deeper level, maintaining a connection to home even when you can't see it.


-"Dieu Si Merveilleux", Stephan Query
        The French version of Chris Tomlin's "Awesome is the Lord Most High."  It makes me feel like jumping up and down.


-"Beautiful Place", Urban Blight
         Another byproduct of the "Carmen San Diego" CD discovery, I was actually surprised to be able to locate this one on YouTube.  It's one of those obscure-lyric songs that is about seeing beauty in things that might not seem so great.


-"Turn, Turn, Turn", The Byrds
      Because there's a time for everything, and a time to every purpose under heaven.


So there you have it.  Let me know if you have any suggestions!