"I Mentally Shake Your Hand."

That, my friends, is one of the more memorable quotes from the movie version of Jane Eyre, which my friend Miranda and I went and saw tonight.  I plan on using it as often as possible.

Besides the occasional laugh-inducing line ("Ladies, I pray you return to your nests like the dove that you are" was another favorite), I actually thought it was quite the good movie.  It had much more of a suspense/thriller movie vibe about it than I expected; at one point, I made an unmerited and (louder than necessary) squeaky-squealy noise because Jane touched a bit of tapestry and I thought something horrible was about to leap from behind it (much to the amusement of my friend).  That kind of movie.  Unfortunately, although I've never read Jane Eyre, it turns out the one plot point that I was aware of is the big gigantic climactic secret that is supposed to come as a huge shock and give you all this emotional chagrin and such.  Oh well. I saw it coming all along.  I won't reveal it here in case any of you readers are planning on seeing the movie, but chances are if you've read Jane Eyre (or only know one thing about Jane Eyre), you most likely know what I'm talking about.

I came to three important conclusions watching this movie:

1) I'm glad that I live in the days of electricity, and don't have to wander giant 19th century castle-esque English homes in the dead of night with only a flickering candle to light up the space around me.

2) I think that if you were treated well, being a governess would be kind of a sweet gig; paid room and board, and spending the day teaching a kid about stuff and playing badminton and such.  Of course, you could be treated horribly and have really bratty kids to deal with, so I guess it goes both ways.

3) The Bronte sisters must have had some kind of weird childhood to get Cathy's ghost scratching at the window in Wuthering Heights on Emily's end and the creep-tastic moments of Jane Eyre from Charlotte.  It was probably wandering those giant houses at night and eerie stories that some dissatisfied governess told them that did it.

It was a good movie.  If you like movies that make you jump, classic literature, or  the 19th century, you should go see it.

When we came out of the theater, the weather was all Bronte-tastic with foreboding winds.  It turns out these were the precursor to severe thunderstorms that never actually hit Dallas proper, but were strong enough in neighboring areas to give us a few giant thunderclaps and set the tornado sirens going off for a bit from the heavy winds (though not from tornadoes).  I therefore spent much of the remainder of the evening alternately watching TV weather anxiously and looking out the window anxiously.  Thankfully, the storms never did much in Dallas, and now they've completely moved to the east.  I'm not a fan of storms, particularly when they involve tornado sirens and I live alone and don't have a basement in which to take shelter.

Although, this weather is probably the perfect setting for writing a Bronte-esque novel.  I'll keep that in mind next time a storm comes my way.

Glimmers of Light

Lately, in intangible ways, I've started noticing fleeting moments of loving my life.

Basically since I moved here in August, I've been in a dark night of the soul - "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation" (thank you, Wikipedia).  Seriously though, even though I may have just quoted a Wikipedia article (it's late, cut me some slack), I actually know quite a bit about dark nights of the soul...besides being personally in one for nine months, I also just read a 320 page book about dark nights of the soul, and subsequently wrote a 10 page paper on said book.  Dark nights of the soul go deeper than just depression, to the very core of a person's being.  They tend to appear around major life changes...like graduating from college and losing an identity nearly inextricably tied to one's life at that college, and moving 10 hours away from family and living alone for the first time and changing graduate school plans at the last minute.  Any of this sound familiar?

But, I'm starting to think that I may be emerging from the dark night again...over the past couple of days (basically, ever since my car got literally picked up out of that ditch by a bunch of people who are my slight acquaintances at best), I've kind of been able to step out of myself and look at my life objectively, from the outside, without the lens of darkness and underlying loneliness tainting my view of my world.  And, when I look at my life from outside, I realize that there ARE aspects of it that I legitimately love.

It's little moments that have been giving me these fleeting glimmers of light lately...

...laughing harder than I've laughed in months with friends over tacos tonight

...doing homework on campus on a blanket under the evening sky, with the chapel looming overhead

...watching a video I took of the Anberlin concert I saw last fall

...finding new things to do in Dallas

...singing worship songs in my spiritual formation class this morning

....watering the community garden

...eating ice cream cookie sandwiches on patio seating

...getting the opportunity to try my hand at Zen meditation as a suburban-raised American white girl

...shopping for new clothes with a friend and laughing ourselves silly over a fish t-shirt

...saying hello to multiple people in succession on campus, and feeling known by people

...exercising in a state-of-the-art fitness center while chatting with a friend who's on the next exercise bike over

...feeling the young-people vibe in my neighborhood, and somehow feeling connected to the entire world of young-adulthood

...connecting with the women in my Bible study, and knowing that I'm being prayed for...and sensing those prayers working (particularly in the area of lowering school stress)

...liking the way I look, and feeling in control of my weight and general appearance

...forming multiple ideas of possibilities for post-graduation, and feeling like I'll have several choices to pursue that I could enjoy and be good at doing

They're all little things, and I know there's others that haven't made the list.  I can't really describe how these moments make me feel except to say that they stand out against the loneliness and desolation as glimmers of light...hopeful moments that make me think that I can be happy and confident again, and even as much as I used to be.

New Clothes, Presentation, and Pokey-O's

I pulled a middle school-ish mirror picture to illustrate part of the new smaller-sized clothes phenomenon of last weekend.  Top and capris both courtesy of Old Navy; earrings courtesy of the city of Montreal (even though I'm pretty sure you can't see them in this picture.  But international accessories should always be noted.

I wore this fabulous new outfit to conquer the dreaded 1.5 hour group presentation on Christian Education in an African American context (props to Janelle and Brandi, if you're reading this, for your interview insights!).  The presentation was perfectly timed, and although my voice could have been less shaky and there could have been considerably less "umms" and "i means" and "so basically's" on my part, it wasn't so bad.  A small comment I made about the disadvantages of using the lectionary in a specific cultural context made me the shooting target of a bunch of die-hard lectionary fans in the Q&A session...that was less than desirable.  But, it's over now, and our teacher seemed impressed.  At the very least, we covered a TON of information, so we looked intelligent despite our nerves.

After class, which let out at 9:00 (remember, Tuesdays are my marathon-class days), I was fairly hungry.  The options of a cheese omelet or a Lean Cuisine meal (the two choices hovering about my apartment) were rather unappealing, and as I was in a mood to celebrate removing the burdens of a 10-page paper AND a giant presentation from my life, I decided that the better option was to call my friend Rachel and get Pokey-O's for "dinner".  Yeah.  Nothing like a freshly prepared ice cream cookie sandwich after a long day (today's choice was chocolate chip cookies with peanut butter and chocolate ice cream...so good).  And Rachel is always a lovely dinner companion.  Good times.

Now I'm having a nightcap of granola cereal out of the box, watching Degrassi reruns on TV (yeah, it's a problem), and generally preparing to go to bed so I can be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for my 8:30 class an subsequent workout session tomorrow morning.  And so it continues...

Zen, and the Art of Lifting a Car Out of a Ditch

So a funny thing happened on the way to the Zen center today...

(I get to say things like that because I'm in seminary.)

The reason I was driving to the Zen center was because my Prayer and Spirituality professor (an ex-Jesuit monk turned Zen master) thought it would be a good experience for all of us to get our meditation on together for a few hours.  I had my GPS giving me directions, but still flew right by the entrance to the Zen center, as it was hidden by trees and surrounded by a shady fence.  The road looked like it was about to meet up with a highway, so I decided the smart thing to do was to back up into a driveway I'd just passed, and use that as my means of turning around to drive into the Zen center parking area.

Smart.  In theory.

What I did not realize was that the tall grass to the side of the driveway was actually coming up from a giant ditch that ran the length of the road.  So, because my reverse-driving ability has been rapidly deteriorating (see dented fender), I naturally wound up halfway in the ditch, with the front of my car resting on the road, my back right tire sitting on the bottom of the ditch, and my back left tire floating stupidly in midair.

I may have uttered a profanity.

After slamming the car door in anger, I ran back the 70 feet or so to the Zen center, where I found several of my classmates gathered.  On the verge of tears and with panic shaking in my voice, I cried out "I GOT MY CAR STUCK IN A DITCH!"  My friend Kristi tried to comfort me in her lovely motherly way, while another classmate pulled up in his pickup truck; his face lit up when the group informed him that the time of glory had come to him and his truck in an opportunity to tow something.  Meanwhile, I saw movement by my car off in the distance, so Kristi and I hastened over to the house to explain to the inhabitants why a seemingly abandoned Chrysler was teetering on the edge of their driveway, while Grant (the guy with the truck) and Mike (another classmate) looked at the car to assess the situation.  Kristi and I knocked on the door, and it opened to reveal a lovely Hispanic family.  I immediately began lamenting the day I decided to pursue bilingualism with a French degree, while Kristi explained the situation to the children, who translated our plight into Spanish.  The mother nodded in a mix of concern and confusion, and Kristi and I walked back to Mike and Grant at the car.

"We can't tow this out."

"What do you mean we can't tow this out?"

"We're afraid that if I pull you forward, we'll scrape the bottom of the car too much and knock off the oil pan or the engine.  And that's expensive to fix."

Crap.

"You'd be better off calling a wrecker to come get you.  Do you have Triple A?"

"I don't know..."

Fun fact: I DO have Triple A.  My parents mailed me the card months ago.  In my hazy, panicked mind, I could only think of my State Farm card.  Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.  I should have just sung the jingle, maybe Fran my agent would have teleported from his St. Louis office to help me out.  Didn't think about it at the time.

"There's a body shop up the street.  We could walk up there and see what they have..."

Exit Grant and Mike, to the body shop.

Meanwhile, the Hispanic family has emerged from the house to see how the progress is going.  Kristi tries to explain in Spanish why the guys were walking away, while I watch in alarm as one of the kids almost runs into the side of my car with his bike.  Just what I need, a dent from a wayward bicycling fourth grader.

Soon enough, Grant and Mike return saying that the body shop doesn't have anything to help us.  One of the Hispanic guys drives off to get a car jack from somewhere, and somehow Kristi, Mike, Grant and I start walking back to the Zen center.  I forget what happened in-between.

As we reached the gate, a crazy thought popped into my mind:

"What if we just got the whole class to come out and lift up the front end of my car, and push it back?  Do you think that would work?"

Grant and Mike blinked at me.

"That might work," says Grant.

"Could be dangerous though...if you hit the gas too hard you might accidentally run someone over," says Mike.

"We could put it in neutral."

"Yeah, neutral would work," agrees Grant.

"We could try it," says Mike, "as long as we don't run over somebody...that'd be even more expensive!  Haha!"

Haha.

So Kristi goes inside to rally the troops, Mike and Grant walk back toward the car, and I hover in the entrance momentarily before following Mike and Grant, like a puppy walking with its tail between its legs.  About the time we reach the car, the rest of our class emerges from the gate.  Let me give you a quick demographic of my class: 10% men, 90% small, skinny women.  Seeing them walk up the street, I didn't have much hope.  But here they all were, enthusiastic and making silly arm-flexing gestures.  Worth a shot, right?

After explaining why the car can't just get towed out, and figuring out how to get the car into neutral (that whole push-your-foot-on-the-brake-to-change-gears thing kind of eluded me under the present circumstance), I climbed into the car to steer while my 16 classmates gathered around the front and right side of the car.

"1!  2!  3!"

Seeing all those faces pressed up against the windows of my car isn't a scene I'm likely to forget anytime soon.  But somehow, the combined strength of 16 seminarians was working - the car was moving!  And then the car was stopping, dropped back down on the ground amidst many sighs of exhaustion.  Maybe this wasn't working after all...

"1!  2!  3!"

The car starts sliding backwards again, feeling ever more horizontal, until it stops once more.  This time, I see lots of cheering, clapping people through my windows.  Nothing like lifting a 1.5-ton car by hand to boost group morale.  Unfortunately, I was still too much in shock to fully celebrate.  But everyone said the car looked fine, and I cautiously drove back to the Zen center, thanked people weakly, and located a cushion to plop down on.  It was one of those moments where the amount of gratitude I was feeling was enough to move me to tears, besides the tears that were threatening to come flowing forth at any moment as a result of the stressful circumstances.  I'm worried I may not have appeared thankful enough...in reality, I didn't think I could express my thankfulness without giving way to an all-out breakdown that would have been counterproductive to the Zen meditation we were all about to engage in.  So I just sat on my cushion and stared blankly at the floor.

For the next two hours, we all got our Zen meditation on, balancing on cushions in variations of the lotus position, walking slowly and mindfully in circles around the creaky room, chanting Buddhist sutras, and participating in a tea ceremony. Because that's what everyone does after extracting their vehicle from a ditch, right?

Zen is all about clearing your mind and just BEING.  Unsurprisingly, I wasn't too good at that given the circumstances.  Plus, my feet kept falling asleep, and my perpetually-slouched back kept aching to sit straight and still for prolonged periods of time.  Halfway through the first meditation session, I slowly began to uncross my legs, bending my right leg vertically in front of me and wiggling my toes around to try to get some feeling back into them...

"BE STILL!"

Crap.  The Zen master saw me moving.

"AND KNOW...THAT...I AM."

Oh.  Okay then.  I'll keep wiggling my toes around and sitting unorthodoxly.

"BE STILL...AND KNOW."

That's a nice sentiment.  Be still and know.  It has a certain calm certainty about it.  Squeezing my foot now, trying to urge some of the blood back into it.

"BE STILL."

Stillness is not my forte.  Teetering back and forth on my little cushion, worrying that my car was damaged in some unidentifiable way and planning on breaking down on the interstate on the way home, and thinking about what my parents' reactions were going to be when I told them I backed the car into something AGAIN, I was really anything but still.

Regardless, I was surprised at how quickly the time went by as I sat there staring at the wall, and at how much more calm I felt about everything after the two hours of meditation were over.  Even though my mind wasn't the clearest of things, I was able to make some sense out of the situation, and be amazed at the power of community in action.

In ancient and operatic theatre, there is a plot device called deus ex machina; literally, "god out of machine."  When things in the plot get too twisted up and there seems to be no solution, the gods come down out of the sky, fix everything with their godly powers, and the unresolvable plot is resolved.  Looking back at my car, hearing Grant and Mike tell me that they couldn't tow it out, all I thought about was how much I wished God would just reach a giant hand down from the sky, pick up my car, and set it back on the road.  That would be nothing for God; it'd be like me picking up a Hot Wheels car that flew off its track.  But in the end, that's what happened: 16 pairs of God's hands were sufficient to lift me and my car up, and set us straight and back on our path.  Stressful as it was, it was truly a remarkable experience of the power of community in overcoming what seems impossible.

Meditate on that!

Sleepy, Life Group, and Homework...

Well kids, I don't know what to tell you...the creativity runs dry once again.  I blame this on any combination of the following factors:

1) It's midnight, and I'm sleepy.

2) I woke up early for church this morning, so I'm extra sleepy.

3) I spent a good amount of time today writing a paper for class.

4) I spent a good deal of time staring at the computer screen procrastinating writing said paper, waiting for inspiration to strike.

5) Homework-filled days do not yield interesting blog topics.

Hopefully I'll get back into the swing of intrigue soon.  I will drop a quick note here about how fantastic my life group is (that's the women's small group I go to on Sunday nights through the church I've been attending.  It's all hip church lingo, you know)!  Now that I've been going on and off for 3 months, I finally feel like I'm starting to connect with the other women, and therefore feel much more relaxed and much more free to act like myself.  I'm super thankful for this group, and I'm glad that I've forced myself to keep going.  This is a VERY good thing...I need me some Christian community outside of theology school.  I need to talk about the Bible with people who don't purport to know everything, who don't talk in hugely theological terms, and who don't expect me to know everything.  It's a nice break.  And the other women are awesome, and I feel like we mesh well as a group.  So yay!

In the world of homework, I've written nearly seven pages of the first ten-page paper I must conquer, and I'm hoping to finish it in the morning (my professor said the due date is "by the middle of this week"...I'm hoping to turn it in Tuesday morning at the latest).  The group presentation which has been hanging over my head like a piano from a crane since January there's a mental image for you) will take place on Tuesday, and I've done all the work I can possibly do on that, except print things off.  I'm all kinds of ready for that to be over.  Then, I'll take a breather on Wednesday, and start my ten-page exegesis of 1 Corinthians 7:17-24 (and accompanying) research on Thursday.  I'm REALLY pleased with how easy this current paper has been going though...it's hard to get started, but once I'm writing it's been coming rather easily.  It gives me hope for the others.  Believe it or not, I've only written one other extended paper all semester!  Just gotta get back in the groove, I suppose.  I can't believe there's only 3 weeks of classes left in the semester!!

PS, I'm going to meditate at a Zen center for class tomorrow...check back for details, it could yield some interesting results...

Soundtrack

So...I've been staring at the screen for like half an hour trying to think of something to write, and I'm coming up with nothing.  But, for your amusement, here's a collection of the YouTube videos that have crossed my screen while trying to think of something to write...it might give you some insight into my present mood (except the last one, that just sort of happened...)

Ladies and Gentlemen: I'm Large.

Why is this a blog title, you ask?  Because, until today, I was EXTRA large.  At least, I was according to the world of Old Navy sizing.  But today, when I headed off to the dressing room laden with size XL tops, every single one of them was too big.  That's quite a nice change from everything being too small, I'll tell you.  Today's shopping adventure proved that I've really been losing weight in a really practical way: I've dropped a shirt size AND a pants size since January!  Guess the "Get Fit" and "Eat Healthy" goals are working out (haha, bad pun unintended)!  I left with 2 pairs of capris, 3 tops, and 2 pairs of flip flops: a nice boost to my mostly non-existent spring wardrobe.  And my friend Rachel and I had quite the laugh-filled shopping spree (particularly when she accidentally brought me a shirt covered in pictures of fish instead of artistic flowers, like the one I asked her to trade in.  It was funny if you were there, I promise).

In other news, today was a GREAT day.  Besides the extremely victorious shopping trip, I also ate tacos on a restaurant patio in the gloriously summer-like Texas weather with friends, made enormous progress on my class presentation, and ate pizza and cake balls with the girls while having a quintessential movie night (this night's picks included Grown Ups and Secretariat: both good movies in very different ways).  I also managed to get a 98% on the church history midterm I was certain I failed, thanks to my professor's lenient grading (everyone did horribly, I think they just cut us all a break).  

Yeah...everything about today was good.  Actually, except the part where I ran the dishwasher without putting soap in it.  That wasn't so good.  There was also a part of the day where I was certain that I saw my car getting a parking ticket, and spent a suspenseful 30 minutes in anxious anticipation of what I would find upon my return.  But it turns out I was just paranoid, and quite legally (if poorly) parked.  Both of those things are insignificant in comparison to the rest of the day's goodness :)