WINTRY MIX A'COMIN'! HIDE YOUR KIDS, BUY ALL THE CHICKEN!

As I'm sure every person reading this blog is aware (and as all 6 of you followers definitely are), the whole country is about to be hit with "the storm of the century," more affectionately known as the "snowpocalypse."  My friend Nick the Weatherman is in a panic, and probably rightly so...Missouri is going to get hit badly with ice, and I presume that Kentucky will be affected as well, being on the same latitude line.  Even down here in Dallas they're calling for a "wintry mix" tomorrow morning.  Wind chills are going to be in the single digits...it's probably going to be unpleasant.

However, from their forecasts, I don't foresee the weather being such that daily living is impaired.  

Will someone please tell me, then, where all the chicken has gone?

Seriously.

Tonight after my three-hour Monday class, I decided to quickly swing by the grocery store.  This decision was a result of three reasons: 1) a desperate need of postage stamps (Tom Thumb sells stamps...who knew?) 2) my depleting stock of food in the kitchen, and 3) a lack of time or energy to create a full-out grocery list.  These reasons in mind, I decided to just pop by the store and buy enough food to last me until Thursday or Friday, when I'll have more time to go to the store.  By enough food, I mean the supplies for chicken dinners and sandwich fixin's.  Nothing special.

So I walk in the store, already in one of those annoyed-with-all-people kind of moods that driving in Dallas traffic will put you in, and find that it is ridiculously crowded for 8pm on a Monday evening.  Still, I acquire my stamps at the customer service desk without issue.  Good.  Now on to the chicken.

And I'm telling you...I got back to the meat department, and ALL THE CHICKEN WAS GONE.  That's a slight exaggeration.  Actually, all the chicken was gone except for 3 packs of chicken breasts, of which I hastily chose the cheapest one and stuck it in my basket.  

I believe this lack of chicken means one of two things.  Either all Texans do their shopping at 8pm on Monday nights and categorically buy all the poultry on the last day of the month, or people are in a panic that a morning of "wintry mix" is going to trap them in their homes for days on end, leaving them without the easy access to chicken to which they have grown accustomed.

People.  Come on.

What I find interesting is that although other meats were somewhat lacking in quantity, it was nothing like the mighty chasm which overtook all three major chicken locations.  It seems that hamburger and pork are far inferior when it comes to winter-storm meats.  Also, despite the complete emptiness of the chicken breast/tenders display, there was a ton of bone-in chicken available for purchase (think drumsticks, wings, etc).  Even stranger, the frozen food section was still relatively full, even though those things last longer than raw meat.  If these people are trying to prepare for a winter storm food-wise, they're not really doing a very good job of it.

Although, the produce section was looking pretty sad too - all but one red pepper was gone, all but three orange peppers, and there were no fresh green beans to be had.  I guess that people want to be able to eat healthily when they're confined to their homes, so that's good.  Several people also had multiple wine bottles, and two guys in front of me had a keg of Heineken...probably to drown their fear and keep warm on the imminent blistery winter nights.  Although, the Heineken guys might just be in Super Bowl prep mode.  Or, you know, they're college guys who like to drink kegs of Heineken in their free time.  All of these are viable possibilities. 

There was also one guy blocking the entire section of yogurt with his cart, and standing back contemplating the choices as a king might contemplate which of his royal subjects to promote to knighthood and take into his court.  I don't even know what that was about.  I just know that he kept me from buying yogurt.

Anyway, I'm just thankful that I have my chicken.  Lord knows what I would do if it snowed and I wasn't fully stocked up on raw chicken breasts...

Anyone have any Stress Management ideas?

What can I say about today?  All in all, it was fairly un-extraordinary...like yesterday, I spent the bulk of the day doing homework, avoiding homework, and eating less healthy food than I should.  I'm going to have to go grocery shopping tomorrow, I'm thinking I need to pick up some sort of healthy snack food.  Also, I'm falling back into the eating-to-kill-boredom/stress eating thing that I seem to do so well.  Actually, I may do a complete kitchen clear-out, and get rid of all the unhealthy things hanging about...or maybe not.  We'll see...yes, I should.  But I don't want toooooooooooooooooooooo!

OK, I'm done being a baby now.  Besides, it's almost midnight, and I don't fancy going out to the dumpster in the darkness.  If anything will be done about the junk food lingering in my cupboard and refrigerator, it will be done in the morning.

On the bright side of today, I finished the reading for my Tuesday education class (quite a feat, since this week's assignment was to read an entire book), and went to the small group I've joined since committing myself to the "getting involved in a church" goal.  That was quite enjoyable.  I'm glad I've been forcing myself into expanding my social circle.

Alright friends, I need some input from you...I need healthy, productive stress-management technique suggestions.  Because, as I'm getting deeper into the semester, I find myself moving back to my old unhealthy habits (both physically and emotionally)...these include, but are not limited to, boredom eating, excessive internet usage (Facebook and Youtube specifically), and to a certain extent, negative self-talk.  Anyone have any ideas for better stress management??  The semester isn't even all that stressful yet...it's thinking about what's to come that's got me thinking I need to prepare now...

Slump

Everyone has their little slumps on their way to goal accomplishing; I would call today a slump.

First of all, I accidentally slept until 11:00...I had two alarms set for 9:00 and don't remember turning them off, so I don't really know how that happened.  I've discovered that sleeping in late REALLY messes up my productivity groove.  It's weird, because I always consider sleeping in a luxury (and I suppose it is), but it's really not all that beneficial.  I'm finding out that it's better to stay on a regular sleep schedule as far as energy is concerned.  I'm sure someone told me that along the way...I believe them now.

The morning (time designation loosely applied) was fairly productive: I did my daily CCFOF research, and then went and sat out by the pool for a couple hours and accomplished a fair amount of class reading...unfortunately, I was being proactive and mostly reading ahead for a book review due in a few weeks, so I still have a lot to get through before Tuesday (Monday reading is happily completed).  It was a beautiful 72 degree day here in Texas, and I brought two books with me, allowing me to switch readings whenever I got too bored with one (an effective strategy, I discovered).

The other problem with sleeping late is that it throws off my meal schedule; so around 4:00 I got hungry for lunch and retreated to the room where the rest of the day was spent in a general slump.  After eating a healthy-portion-size meal I was still oddly hungry (despite significant chopping of portion sizes lately, I haven't had this problem before...and don't worry, I haven't been eating an unhealthily small amount or anything, I've just been paying attention to proper portion sizes, which are quite smaller than my past idea of a "portion").  This kind of led into a slump of junk food for the rest of the night, including at various points pizza rolls, hot chocolate, and peanut butter on a spoon.  Yeah...I'd call that a slump.  I was also feeling kind of sick this afternoon (pre-peanut butter and hot chocolate, those were attempts to use sugar to perk me up a bit)...as a result, the entirety of the evening was spent watching "I Love Lucy" episodes and "The Royal Tenenbaums" on TV (I actually liked that movie a whole lot...it's filmed in an artistic way that's really reminiscent of "Amelie," which I love).  After that, I spent countless hours on Facebook/Youtube, and eventually pulled the Wii Fit out not to exercise, but to do a body test (which I've committed to doing every other day).

Actually, the body test was a pleasant surprise: in the past 10 days or so, I've lost 5 pounds and lowered my BMI by 0.8!  I haven't even been working that hard either...just eating healthier foods in proper portions, and exercising for half an hour most days.  I'm rather proud of myself, if I do say so.  I'm sure that I won't keep losing weight this quickly...but still, this is the first time that I've set out to lose weight, and am actually accomplishing it.  It's a nice feeling :)

Spontaneity and Symphonies

Today was a prime example about how one small decision can change the course of your entire life.

OK, well, in this instance it wasn't my ENTIRE life, but one small decision did alter the entire course of my day for the better.

Having slept until noon, I spent the first two hours of my waking hours being lazy and unproductive, mostly staring at Facebook and watching random YouTube videos.  After these two hours, I realized that there was a good chance I was going to do that all day...but, since it was a beautiful day outside, I decided to take my New Testament reading down to a bench by the lake with the hope of jumpstarting my productivity.  And so I went...little knowing how my day would change as a result!! (I'm making this super dramatic on purpose).

After an hour or so of reading (wishing that the book was more exciting), I started wandering back to my apartment, when all of a sudden I discovered my friend Rachel walking through my parking lot.  Even though we live in the same grand apartment complex, we live in different small apartment complexes (I basically live in an apartment subdivision), so seeing her in my parking lot was unusual.  It turns out that she was meeting our other friends Rachel and Amelia, and Amelia's fiance Brandon for a walk around the lake (by which I had been sitting), and asked if I'd like to come along.  Wanting to avoid the aforementioned dry reading, I happily obliged.  The rest of the people showed up shortly, and we had a fun semi-workout walk around the lake, doing all the silly par course things that we came across.

Afterwards, we were all thirsty and went to Sonic, and then Rachel invited Rachel and I to her apartment for dinner (yes, there's two Rachels...if you hadn't caught on yet), where we had tasty chicken with orange bell peppers and onions and tasty green beans.  It looked like this (Rachel took this picture and posted it on facebook, I'm just stealing it for illustrative purposes):

It was ridiculously tasty.  And healthy.  Also, I never want to eat canned green beans again, I will only eat fresh ones from now on.  There is absolutely no comparison.

So anyway, all of that socializing fun happened because I decided to read by the lake instead of reading in my apartment.  This is proof that a small decision can effect significant change.

Moving on, there was one more element to the day that was planned: my friend Miranda and I went to the SMU symphony!  The concert hall was GORGEOUS, with a beautiful and gigantic pipe organ, and the orchestra was really, really good.  The program was well-selected too...apparently Music History actually DID give me a greater appreciation for music.  Anyway, it was wonderful.  Here are some more commemorative photos...

Awesome Organ in Awesome Concert Hall

Miranda and I being all symphonic.

Also, after the symphony, I'm pretty sure I saw my future husband.  Yes.  He's probably the most attractive man I've ever seen, and he may or may not be a Green Bay Packer (Miranda and I based this judgment on the fact that he was exiting the SMU football stadium at 10:00pm, and the Packers are currently practicing there for the Super Bowl).  So anyway, you're all invited to the wedding...I just have to locate this guy, and we'll be good to go :)

Tomorrow's tasks: homework, homework, and MORE homework.  And laundry.  And homework.  See you then!

Bliss

This is bliss: cooking healthy and delicious tomato basil chicken and rice that makes the apartment smell like Italy, curling up on the couch with said dinner and watching "The Swan Princess," making frozen peanut butter and banana poppers, and working out with the Wii Fit.  

And this is how I spent my evening :)

If there's one thing that a week of focused goal-oriented diligence has taught me, it's that being productive in the beginning of the day sets you up to be productive throughout the day, which in turn allows you to have relaxing evenings that restore your sanity, thereby setting you up for productive mornings, and so forth...

If there's one thing that a week of focused, healthy eating has taught me, it's that the guilt-free feeling associated with eating better is one awesome feeling.

If there's one thing that a week of diligent, regular exercise has taught me, it's that exercise gives you endorphins. And endorphins make you happy.  And just as Elle Woods pointed out in Legally Blonde, "happy people just don't shoot their husbands."  They also don't wallow in fits of despair brought on by feelings of being overwhelmed and general lethargy.  They just don't.

Summary of one week back in Dallas: things are going great :)

Past, Present, and Princesses

A quick note about the fitness goal: I went to the SMU fitness center with a group of friends this morning, and the elliptical kicked my butt.  Fifteen minutes of that, plus 20 minutes on a stationary bike was enough to cause a 2 hour nap this afternoon (though, to be fair, that was likely related to the fact that I had class at 8am, and consequently woke up about 3 hours earlier than usual...)

Lately, I've been thinking about life; more specifically, how the events of our lives, small or significant, intertwine to create a coherent existence.  Let's be honest here, people: I have no idea what I want to do with my life post-seminary.  But that doesn't mean that I don't have interests and passions and skills, right?  So it follows, therefore, that elements of the past might lead to a hint of the future.  I don't pretend to understand how God works, but I'm thinking that God doesn't just drop you into things completely unprepared (even though it might feel that way occasionally)...I think God uses the past events of our lives to prepare us for the future, even in seemingly insignificant ways.

This idea kind of developed over time with the notion of a composite identity - a concept that struck me one day as I drove across Dallas while listening to my favorite band from high school, wearing a shirt that used to belong to my sister, and an AOII lavaliere.  My whole circumstance was, at that moment, made up of pieces of several phases and aspects of my life - high school, college, grad school, family, and friendship were all brought together in that one moment.  This got me thinking that our identities, and therefore the trajectory of our lives, may not be quite as straightforward as we'd like them to be.  Every moment plays into every other moment to affect future moments.  Think about it - if I hadn't gone to Transylvania, or if I didn't have a sister, or if a friend hadn't played me a Switchfoot CD in high school, one of those factors would have been different, and that moment would not have existed.

Then, tonight I was avoiding homework/clearing my mind by watching clips of Disney songs on YouTube, bouncing back and forth between French and English versions.  This eventually gave way to watching clips of the French-Canadian musical adaptation of "Notre Dame de Paris" (aka, "The Hunchback of Notre Dame).  It's better than it sounds; the lyrical and musical elements flow together seamlessly in a rather intoxicating manner.  Watching those clips shortly after watching clips of the Disney version, along with acknowledging a certain personality resemblance with my favorite Disney princesses (Pocahontas and Jasmine, if you were wondering, with some Esmeralda spice), made me kind of think about how even such little things as childhood movies were tied into my present self.

On a basic level, it's probably not too surprising that a French major's favorite childhood movies were "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" and "Passport to Paris."  But those seeds of interest made me want to go to France, which in turn led me to choose French as my high school language (it also felt more sophisticated than Spanish or German), which in turn led me to France in high school.  But even past that, those tiny seeds of interest in French culture eventually turned into a French major, fluency in a second language, a semester spent in Paris, and a ministry career involving French translation and support of French ministries - with a passionate interest in French culture and 17th century court life as a side-effect.

When you trace your interests and passions back to their source, it's kind of weird how many little things worked together to develop your present circumstance.  I mean, what if my favorite Disney movie had been "The Rescuers Down Under?"  Would I have picked up and moved to Australia?  A silly example, but you get the point.

 Back to the Disney Princess personality resemblance, watching these YouTube clips tonight made me think that noticing which princess you most identify with (or other male protagonist, gentlemen readers) can give a lot of insight into your own personality.  This is assuming, of course, that a person's character preferences derives from both their inner basic core traits and an admiration of that character as a person they'd like to be.  For example, as previously mentioned, my favorites were Pocahontas, Jasmine, and Esmeralda (though not a princess exactly, she was the female protagonist, so she counts).

To an extent, I can see myself reflected in each of these characters: my adventurous spirit, my love of travel and exploring places, my curiosity...as well as my tendency to feel imprisoned by people's expectations, my occasionally stubborn nature, and my tendency to be somewhat discontented with present circumstances, always looking forward to the next thing.  Going off on another thread, one might place partial blame of my over-idealized notion of romantic love with my weekly viewing of "The Swan Princess," which I rented from Blockbuster almost every Friday as a child.  It's kind of funny how I can still relate to these characters as a 22-year-old woman, you know?  Makes me think that even things as trivial as movie preferences can tell us things about ourselves.

So, point of all this: even though I don't know where I'm going, I know where I've been (cue that song from "Hairspray").  I think that, to a certain extent, the past can give me some insight to where I'm going.  To that effect, I've made the following stream-of-consciousness, non-conclusive list of my interests, past and present:

• French Language
• French Literature
• Writing
• Music
• Singing
• Religion
• Leading Bible Study
• Talking about God with people
• Talking through faith issues
• Reading
• Travelling
• Baroque Music
• Le Grand Siecle
• Exploring New Places
• Museums
• Theatre
• Teaching
• Learning
• Developing strong relationships with people
• Making people laugh
• Giving advice
• Language
• Translation
• Relaying concepts in innovative/relevant ways
• Paris
• Montreal
• Helping people cope with their problems
• Bringing different people together 
• Being a connecting figure between groups of people
• Islam in France
• Preventing inaccurate/biased viewpoints
• Relating Biblical concepts in socially/culturally relevant ways
• Social Media as a Ministry Tool

Alrighty.  That's probably not all, but it's a good start.  And this post has gotten quite long, and it's 7 minutes past my appointed midnight bedtime for the semester, so I must be going.  If anyone has ideas of how these things fit together into a career/life path, let me know! Of course, we may not have all the puzzle pieces just yet... :-P

Class Marathon Day #1: Defeated

So my Wii Fit age was 22 today.  Apparently 3 days of Wii Fit is all I really need to be totally awesome.  Actually, I think I was just unusually good at today's balance test.  If the Wii Fit has taught me anything, it has shown me that I have horrible balance.  Again, acknowledging how often I trip when there's nothing to trip over, this isn't super surprising.

Today was the first of my Tuesday class-marathon days that will be the standard for this semester.  I have three classes, spanning from 3:00-9:00pm, with only 2 ten-minute breaks in between.  All in all, it was actually less grueling than I thought it would be.  When I was at Transy, I would be out of the room going from thing to thing for upwards of eight hours.  I think I can handle the six hours of straight class.  The only problem was getting hungry towards the end, since I have class all the way through anyone's definition of "dinner time."  I brought a granola bar, but I was still pretty hungry toward the end.  But I survived, and made a burger wrap out of the "Hungry Girl" cookbook as soon as I got home (happily, that recipe takes all of 5 minutes to create).

Speaking of classes, they're going well so far this semester.  I've managed to stay on top of readings fairly well, and follow the lectures more easily.  As far as schedule is concerned, I like having my two three-hour (once a week) classes on Monday and Tuesday...because even though it's Tuesday night, I feel like the week is practically over.  Tomorrow just contains the spiritually fluffy support group that is "Spiritual Formation" class - unfortunately meeting at 8am - and going to the gym with friends afterwards.  Hopefully I won't fall over from sleepiness...we all know how bad my balance is.

In other life news, I have discovered that that pole I backed my car into is completely new, and I backed into it my first time back in the parking garage since December.  So I feel significantly less stupid now...even if I still have a giant dent in my car.

Wii Fit Reflections

I didn't actually use the Wii Fit today (actually, in a small backsliding incident I ate frozen cookie dough out of a plastic tub instead), but I've been meaning to post some reflections on it for a few days now, but have been to tired to put real thought into writing anything (as perhaps my last few posts demonstrate).  Anyway, I now offer you my reflections on the Wii Fit as an exercise tool.

General reflections: I love this thing.  I like how it talks to me, how it records weight and BMI and what have you without me having to calculate it, and I like how it allows me to exercise in my apartment where no one can see me.  And, okay, it's not the most intense workout in the world, but it's a better use of my time than sitting on the couch, which is the primary activity that goes on in my apartment.  Seriously...I eat meals on the couch (I own a dining room table and chairs, but they end up more as a catch-all for random junk and a serious work space when needed), I study on the couch, I watch TV from the couch, I use my laptop on the couch, and, since I work from home, I even do my job on the couch.  Thankfully, I have a comfortable couch.  But it's good to get up off it every now and again, and the Wii Fit has been helping in that goal.  Now, if I'm sitting around doing nothing, I'll use the Wii Fit.  I also like being able to get some form of exercise when the gyms are closed and it's dark outside...and where no one can see me make a fool of myself shaking my hips around with an invisible hula hoop.

The games are fun too...Kung Fu is my favorite, and I'm also a fan of Step Aerobics, and the aforementioned Hula Hoop adventures.  I'm HORRIBLE at the balance games.  Really horrible.  Maybe this is the reason I tend to trip and fall over my own feet so often.  Granted, the balance games on the Wii Fit involve juggling while balancing on a giant ball (which I'm sure takes real skill in real life), but you wouldn't think that it would be so hard in video game format.  I'm actually getting a bit better at that one, though.  The one that REALLY gets me is the soccer head-butting game, where you have to hit soccer balls with your head and dodge other things like shoes and flying panda heads (yay AOII?)  Somehow, I manage to miss every soccer ball and get hit by everything I'm supposed to avoid.  It seems that I am incapable of standing with even balance on each foot; I'm always putting more weight on one leg than the other.  It's weird.

So all in all, I'm a fan of this gadgetry.  Although, since I'm really not too terribly tech-savvy, I had a few issues at first...after I finally figured out how to hook it up to my TV, and what input channel it was using, I went to do the first body test and discovered that my plush and comfy carpeting made my weight measurement off by about 25 pounds (less).  So, in doing the body tests, I have to move my balance board over into my doorway, where I have about a 2x3ft stone entryway, allowing for a much more accurate (if somewhat heavier) weight calculation.  But, of course, I'm not going to do all the exercises standing up against my front door, so I always move the balance board back to the middle of the room, so the Wii keeps getting nervous that I've "experienced a significant weight change."  But it only does it once per Wii-workout, so it's not that big of a deal.  Also, during the first body test, I had the balance board facing the wrong way...so every time I leaned one direction, the little dot on the screen would go the other direction.  I thought it was just playing mind tricks on me to make it harder.  Not so much.

So anyway, after being incorrectly weighed and ineffectively tested for balance, my initial "Wii Fit Age" was a whopping 42 years.  Seeing as I'm 22...that's not so cool.  I'm thinking that was mostly related to the fact that I failed all the balance tests spectacularly, as I had the board backwards.  But, then I figured out all the problems with it and did everything over, and moved down to like 30 or something (I forget the exact number...it wasn't as traumatizing as the first number so it didn't stick in my head as much).  And even though 30 is still quite different from my actual age, it's a lot less discouraging than 42!

The exercise plan of attack is to alternate the Wii Fit with walking around my neighborhood lake and going to an actual gym.  I've recruited a group of girlfriends to go to the SMU fitness center on Wednesday mornings after we've all been properly spiritually formed by our 8am "Spiritual Formation" classes.  Last I heard, the count was up to 5 of us total.

So the exercise game is on!  Even though today I didn't exercise, and ate cookie dough instead....you've got to start somewhere, right?

Small Successes

OK friends.  Let's just talk for a second about how good today was in the world of working towards goals.

First of all, not only did I go to church this morning...I also went to Sunday School, AND a women's small group in the evening.  Yeah!  Go church involvement goal!  I'm intending to just commit and get involved from the get-go, and keep this ball rolling.  Special thanks to my friend Erin, who let me follow her about to all of these events.

Second of all, I have successfully eaten proper-portion healthy food for 1 day, with no slip-ups.  Two thumbs up for eating healthier!

Thirdly, I've engaged in some sort of exercise every day for the last 3 days - not too intense, but still an improvement.

Fourthly (is that a word?), although I didn't actually do any homework today, I've done all the reading for my class tomorrow, and have been keeping up with my CCFOF work.

:-D

Things are going well.

Sleepy Ramblings

It seems that, throughout the day, I always have good topics for blog posts running about in my head, and when it actually comes time to write one (this has become the last thing I do every night as a means of greater introspection), I can never think of anything super great to write about.  Tonight, I'm extra tired, having just returned from a friend's birthday party...which, really, wasn't all that tiring now that I think about it.  Who knows.  I'm probably just worn out from actually DOING things instead of just laying around all day like I did for the last 5 weeks.

Which reminds me, I need to fill up the coffee pot tonight in preparation for church in the morning.  It will be nice to just press a button and have coffee happen rather than have to prep the machine in the fog of early morning exhaustion.

One of my goals, as you perhaps recall, is to rejuvenate my relationship with God this year.  An integral part of that is getting involved with a church, and getting some Christian community outside the realm of academia.  Let's face it, as a seminary student, if you were more involved in ministry and had a more active prayer life, etc BEFORE you  started seminary than you do now...there's something wrong with that.  After much debate, I've chosen Lover's Lane UMC as my primary choice of church commitment.  I've been there once before, and it has the benefit of being the church that a couple of my friends attend as well.  So, I'm going to NOT make excuses and NOT be lazy and NOT be intimidated, but instead make myself go there every week indefinitely, unless, after several weeks, I'm not so keen on it.  But I have high hopes.  I'll get back to you.

I was going to tell you fabulous stories about the Wii Fit today, but I'm too tired.  In the world of exercise, today was a walk-around-the-lake day, that involved a lengthy pause to do class reading outside in the lovely January Dallas weather (equivalent to early November in the midwest).  In the world of healthy eating, I've discovered that buying healthier food products made my grocery bill spike by about $20...although, that could also be attributed to the fact that I was having to restock my entire fridge along with weekly shopping.  For lunch I made my first creation from the "Hungry Girl" cookbook of 200 recipes under 200 calories: the "Big Bad Burger Wrap," which was really easy, and actually a tasty and satisfying meal.  I started a food/exercise log on my computer to keep myself more accountable.  But then I went to the aforementioned party tonight and ate King cake and cookie cake and cream puffs and chocolate and peanut butter bars and the like...so maybe I'll just delete today's row and start tomorrow...

I'm serious, I'm exhausted.  Going to bed.  Goodnight all!

Concrete Pole + Car = Crunch: A Lesson in Positivity

I think I've made some sort of milestone in the road to positivity...because I didn't let the fact that I crushed my car's back fender on a concrete pole completely derail my otherwise productive and enjoyable day.  But before we get to that bit of nonsense, let's talk about all the positive things that happened today.

First of all, I met my friend Emily for lunch and had delicious seafood gumbo and some good conversation (as we always do, though the gumbo was a new addition). After lunch, we made a quick visit to the location of her wedding reception, which was absolutely lovely and all urban-chic-tastic with exposed brick and things (I like that kind of stuff).  Emily's wedding brings my total wedding count for this summer up to three - one in Kentucky, one in Dallas, and one in Missouri.  (What can I say, I'm a popular person!)  Which means that, by July, I need a fabulous cocktail dress and, if possible, a boyfriend to act as a date to the Missouri wedding (that's the one where I won't really know people.  Or rather, I'll know people, but they'll be people I haven't spoken to in upwards of 4 years...a date would be handy).

Speaking of boyfriends, I've actually found myself enjoying my life as a singleton lately instead of lamenting it.  There's a certain excitement to it, I think...the intrigue of possibility.  And although I sometimes dread meeting new people because I'm semi-secretly an introvert, I'm actually excited about the opportunity living in a new city gives me to meet new people.  Going along with the negativity theme of last year, I always have this tendency to think that if I don't have a boyfriend, or if things don't work out with a guy, that it's because there's something wrong with me.  But, I've decided that this isn't the case; I'm not a defective human being for not being in a relationship.  And although relationships are good and I'm all for them, I don't think I want to just throw away the benefits of being single by spending all my time watching chick flicks and being depressed.  Besides, it's going to take a pretty fantastic man to handle all of the fantastic-ness that is me; not just any guy is up to the task.  I'm excited to find him one day; and, in the meantime, I'm excited to have some time to be on my own, braving the world one step at a time.  If you can't know yourself alone, how are you going to know yourself with someone else, right?  In related news, I quoted Beyonce's "Single Ladies" twice in normal conversation today, to the great amusement of each recipient.

Anyway, back to the productivity of my day: after lunch, I ran a few errands, fought for my right to receive mail at my current address at TWO post offices and then on the phone (I requested a temporary change of address over Christmas break to get my mail forwarded to St. Louis, and somewhere along the line it became permanent).  Then, I went and bought some more textbooks, and went with my friend Miranda to get our DART passes, allowing free access to Dallas' buses and trains and such for all of 2011 for the super-low price of $5.

And THEN, Miranda dropped me off at my car in the SMU parking garage, and I proceeded to immediately back into a pointless concrete pole and crush my back fender.  Yeah.  Behold the result:

And THEN, I had the dreaded task of calling my parents to inform them that I had dented the car.  Which was unpleasant.  Since I'm living off student loans and the car is still completely drivable and there weren't any other cars involved (only architecture), I'm thinking that I'm just going to become "dented car girl" this semester.  I'm not about to make paying my rent questionable by getting a dent fixed when I can still get where I need to go.  (Incidentally, if anyone has had a similar problem in their car and has a repair cost estimate, let me know...)

After talking to my parents (or rather, about midway through) was when I really got depressed about the car. Really, my first reaction was just "Aww, crap.  Oh well..."  I didn't even do anything about it right then, instead I finished running my errands and then went home and called the parents and took the pictures and such.  But, as I suppose is inevitable, I got upset about my sheer carelessness, and subsequently sat around for 2 hours watching "The Big Bang Theory" and "Friends" and eating a dinner of (you guessed it) frozen chimichangas with pizza rolls on the side.  In my depression, I didn't feel much like making a grocery list, much less going shopping for food with a dented car.

The reason I call today a positivity milestone is because after those two hours of deep-friend frozen food and sitcom viewing, I really wasn't all that upset anymore.  I mean, yes, it is annoying.  But it's really not the end of the world.  Around the end of last year, little upsets were enough to completely unravel my whole day and render whatever hours remained completely useless.  But today, I just kind of got over it.  I can't say how, exactly...I've really had a wonderful last three days, and I think for once the negative didn't outweigh the positive.  THIS, my friends, is an accomplishment.  I have such a tendency to dwell on the negative; this time, I just accepted it and moved on.  What's the use of dragging out the negativity?  Is that going to make my car magically un-dent itself?  Probably not.  And yes, I had my rant phase (as always, thank you to my friend Brandi who accommodates willingly my need for to rant), and my junk-food mourning phase, but then I returned to my productive day.  So I give myself an A for positivity AND productivity today.

And so, moving on from the car thing, I finished out my evening by setting up the Wii and Wii Fit, working out with the Wii Fit (which will be reviewed and commented on in posts to come), doing research for the CCFOF, and watching "Bridget Jones' Diary."  Still to come, taking a shower and snuggling into bed for some Alexandre Dumas reading.  So all in all, a good day...even if I did make the car go crunch in the middle of it.

On schedule for tomorrow: grocery shopping, class reading/blackboard posting, and my friend Brandon's birthday party.  Ironically, even though I was super productive today, I keep forgetting I have homework again now.  I have to come up with something impressive to say about the Palomite controversy for tomorrow...and first, I have to figure out what the Palomite controversy is.  I know you're dying for me to get back to you on that one.  In any case, hoping for another good day tomorrow, with less crunching of automobiles! 

Observations, and a New Book

First observation of the day: It's hard to eat healthy when all you have in your apartment for lunch is a box of frozen chimichangas.  It is even harder to eat healthy when your friend says that her boyfriend and his roommates bought a five-pound roast to cook dinner for a few people, realized that five pounds of beef + vegetables + cornbread is a lot of food even for six men, and need people to come over to help eat it.  So my friends Rachel, Rachel (there's two), Miranda, and I added ourselves to the party, and we all had a lovely and delicious meal.  And we personally came bearing acorn squash and macaroni and cheese, so there was plenty of food to be had by all.  Much merrymaking took place.

Second observation of the day: Being away from Dallas for 5 weeks has apparently been enough to completely disorient me...besides campus, I don't remember how to get anywhere!  I had to follow my friend's vocal directions to dinner tonight, even though I've been to the house several times before.  And, SMU is constructing George W. Bush's namesake library (much to the chagrin of all democrats within a 500 mile radius of University Park), and has blocked off access to my preferred route out of campus, making me fall prey to the Dallas rush hour crunch which is Mockingbird/Hillcrest.  Lame.

Third observation of the day:  I've been too lazy to unpack the Wii Fit.  Wonder if this says something about my current level of fitness.  This will for sure happen tomorrow, and I'm sure I'll have interesting reviews to offer.

Fourth observation of the day:  Dallas is COLD!  It finally feels like winter.  Acknowledging this today, I suddenly wondered how all the lizards and scary turduckens survive the cold (don't tell me a turducken isn't a real bird, they're wandering my apartment grounds.  Perhaps I'll post a picture one day.)  I actually gave this concept a good 5 minutes or so of thought this afternoon.

Fifth observation of the day:  A new hairstyle is a nice confidence builder for a new semester.  One woman who I haven't spoken to since August got all excited about my newly straightened style today, and told me it was "gorgeous."  Though, she has been sitting in the row behind me in my church history class all year, so presumably she had a lot of time to look at my hair, even if we never actually spoke.

Sixth observation of the day:  I feel smarter this semester.  This is a good thing.  I think that I FINALLY have some sort of mental framework built up on which to hang new information.  And I actually recognized words like filioque and azymes, instead of freaking out trying to remember what they mean.

And finally, a goal update:  You faithful blog readers will perhaps recall that among my myriad of goals for the year was the wish to read more for fun.  I must inform you, then, that I have unfortunately put The Screwtape Letters aside for now.  Although this is a fantastic piece of literature, and I would highly recommend it to anyone, it's just too theological at the moment for me.  Since all I deal with in grad school are theological concepts, I feel like I need something completely different for my relaxing time.  It is for this reason that my nightly reading has become The Man in the Iron Mask by Alexandre Dumas.  (Brandi, go ahead and role your eyes).  It's true, I'm obsessed with the unintentionally hilarious and consistently awesome melodrama that is that 1998 Leonardo DiCaprio classic (please refer to the video at the bottom of this post)...but, on a more intelligent level, I am also obsessed with any and all things pertaining to Le Grand Siecle (17th century France) and the court at Versailles and all things Louis XIV.  And, with The Count of Monte Cristo and The Three Musketeers topping the list of my favorite French literature, Alexandre Dumas and I are good friends.  Besides being a storyteller of the highest caliber, his writing style has a dry humor and satirical element to it which I absolutely love.  For example, the title of chapter two is "How Mouston Became Fatter Without Informing Porthos, and the Troubles Which Consequently Befell that Worthy Gentleman."  I find that to be hilarious.   Also, it's so far removed from theology that it won't add to my stress levels.  Escapist literature is what I need to de-stress...and what better way to do that then by escaping into the daring adventures of D'Artagnan, Athos, Porthos, and Aramis as they attempt to stage a royal coup?  None.

If you haven't read The Three Musketeers or The Count of Monte Cristo, I recommend that you hastily acquire them.  If you are not familiar with the sheer awesomeness that is the film version of The Man in the Iron Mask, I refer you to this clip.  (Fun fact, the chateau used for filming is Vaux-le-Vicomte, which I visited while studying in Paris.)  Enjoy!

New Beginnings

I'm back home on the range, snuggled into my Dallas apartment.  I'm almost all the way unpacked.  Major redecorating has been going on.  There may be pictures one day.  I've yet to tackle the giant purple suitcase that contains all of my clothes.  Unpacking decorative stuff is fun.  Hanging up clothes is work.  I'll deal with that tomorrow.

After dinner/ice cream outings with assorted friends/classmates, I've decided that I'm happy to be back in Texas.  This is actually quite a big thing...I was really dreading doing the whole leaving-home thing again.  But Dallas, surprisingly, is starting to have some home-like qualities to it.  My apartment is becoming progressively more Celia-fied with the addition of several decorative items brought from home, and people were excited to see me and I was excited to see them.  And, starting tomorrow, I'll have the structure of classes and readings back in my life, which is good in its own way.  I'll also have to hit the ground running with CCFOF work...I kind of took the last few days off, gotta make up those hours!

This is when the real test of working toward goal achieving starts.  Most of the goals on my list from the first post are things that are contingent upon me being in Dallas, and therefore I couldn't really do much about them until I came back down for the new semester.  Well...I'm here.  Let's see if my walk can match my talk.  Or something of the sort.

In the meantime, I'm aiming to set myself a standard midnight bedtime to encourage earlier and more productive mornings.  I figure adults don't stay up doing nonsense until 2am, and since I'm working on being better at being an adult, earlier bedtimes seem incumbent upon me.  And, since it's 11:45 right now, I better be getting to bed!

You and Me, Baby, We've Got a Slammin' Kind of Love.

I'm not going all out for a long post tonight, as I'm at a hotel in transit on my way back to Dallas and want to get some sleep, but I do want to make note of one thing I discovered on my drive today.

I know every word to every song on the A-Teens "Teen Spirit" Album.

Yeah.

With the exception of a week or so ago when my sister and I randomly had this 2001 album playing in the background, I haven't listened to this CD in 7 or 8 years ago.   But, a case full of adolescent favorites somehow made its way into my car at some point, and I popped this one into my CD player about 3 hours into the drive.  And then I proceeded to belt out the lyrics to the whole CD.

Not just listen to songs and be all nostalgic and think "oh, I remember this song", but literally belting out the words over and over to each and every song - songs that I haven't thought about in YEARS.  Such non-classics as "Slammin' Kind of Love" and "Firefly."  The CD has all the toothache inducing sweetness and pop-ish tendencies as all of Disney's current tween proteges.  Also, every song has a minimum of 2-3 key changes, which I find to be a bit much.  But I loved it when I was 13.  And, apparently I listened to it enough to burn it into my brain permanently.  

Memory is weird.

While searching for multi-media blog support, I happened upon this non-sequiter of a music video made by some YouTube-er.  But it adequately highlights the ridiculousness of the songs I belted out in my car this afternoon.  So enjoy: Pride and Prejudice meets "Slammin Kind of Love" by the A-Teens.

And, if you're into some more classic A-Teens...

  

Golden Globes Reflections...When Celebrities Act Human

I watched the Golden Globes the other night, actually from beginning to end...I rarely do that with awards shows, usually I catch them halfway through.  I like awards shows, though, because there's fabulous dresses and my friend Brandi is generally texting me commentary throughout.  But, I sometimes drive die-hard award show people crazy, because although I have vague preferences as to who should win what award, I ultimately get most excited when people on the shows get really excited about their awards.  They just all look so happy.  So while my fellow award-show-watchers are screaming about the unfairness of the award or how so-and-so should have won, I'm sitting there going "Awwww, look how HAPPY they are!!!!"

This is especially true when people let their emotions get the best of them, and let go of all celebrity poise and decorum and flip out about the people winning.  There were two really good examples of this at the Golden Globes last night.

First, when Chris Colfer won Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series for his role as Kurt on "Glee".  He was so shocked that he just sat their gaping until co-star Dianna Agron drags him up out of his chair.  Then, Chris actually manages to deliver an eloquent and heartfelt speech even in his shock, and Lea Michele is practically bawling with joy...


My second favorite moment was when Jim Parsons won for Best Actor in a TV series for his role as Sheldon on "The Big Bang Theory."  His co-star Kaley Cuoco, who plays "Penny" on the show, was one of the presenters for the award.  Presenters, you know, are supposed to be all graceful and objective in presenting the award...but Kaley flips out with excitement as she reads Jim's name off the envelope...


Simply put: excited celebrities make me happy.  Especially when they let go of the glamorous image for a few minutes and freak out like normal people :)

Happiness Project: Positivity Playlist

I've recently discovered that most of my favorite music kind of carries depressing undertones.  Yeah.  Not necessarily depressing in a bad way - often, in a very good way, as the music and lyrics blend perfectly to convey the emotion of the song.  It's just that often, the emotion is unrequited love, over-glorification of being in love, or love lost.  I also possess a large quantity of Broadway music, which opens the door to identification with any number of dramatic plot-based conflict.  As much as I like all of this music, it can kind of wear you down to listen to it after awhile.  Anyone know what I mean?  I'm all for identifying with the pangs of love and catharsis through music...but sometimes you  just want something peppy.

Over the past couple of days, I've been going through my iTunes creating a "positivity playlist" - a collection of songs that never fail to make me smile.  Whether because they're ridiculously egotistical, spiritually uplifting, or just amazingly obscure, it's hard to feel sad when I listen to these songs.  I got a new iPod speaker for Christmas, so I'm planning to listen to the positivity playlist every morning when I'm getting ready for the day...if I can figure out how, maybe even use it as an alarm to more gently ease myself into daily consciousness.

Here's the list of my happy songs, as it stands after sifting through my iTunes...

-"Pretty Girl Rock", Keri Hilson
       With opening lyrics like "My name is Keri, I'm so very fly, oh my, it's a little bit scary...", you know this is gonna be so ridiculously vain that it provides a fantastic ego boost.  Thanks to my friend Lauren for the suggestion, her referral of this song actually sparked this whole idea.


-"Firework", Katy Perry
          I'm not a big Katy Perry fan, but this song is all about standing out and shining when you feel knocked down and overwhelmed.  I could use some of that in my life.  And fireworks are pretty.


-"Hey, Soul Sister", Train
        It has a ukelele.  And it just oozes happiness.


-"Nothin' On You", B.o.B/Bruno Mars
       It's about being beautiful.  Always good.  And it reminds me of that time that my friends Abby, Erica, Maggie and I drove to Cincinnati to see the Cardinals/Reds game and it played on the radio 500 times.


-"New Shoes", Paolo Nutini
       Because sometimes an attitude adjustment is as easy as a quick wardrobe change.

-"Everything to Me", Rockapella
     Yes, I got this song of the "Carmen San Diego" soundtrack that my family has owned since I was about 6. But, I'm always for a male a capella group singing about using ridiculous travel means to reach their girl.


-"Marvelous Light", Charlie Hall
       It's the song they sang at church the first time I went after deciding to get serious about my faith freshman year of college.  I listened to it practically every day in my baby Christian-hood.


-"Belle Demoiselle", Christophe Mae
         A peppy French song about a guy seeing a beautiful girl.  Let's imagine he's singing to me.


-"Everything Glorious", David Crowder Band
        One of my favorite praise songs; a reminder that God makes everything glorious, ourselves included.


-"You Are Holy (Prince of Peace)", Micheal W. Smith
       I like songs with echoes and opposing vocal parts...especially God-oriented ones that you can sing with your friends (or laugh at your ridiculous failure to successfully sing the opposite part, as some of my Perkins friends and I experienced one night)


-"I'll Make a Man Out of You", Mulan
      Gender disparity aside, I like to listen to this song because, as my friend Elizabeth once said, it makes me feel like somehow, by doing whatever it is I'm doing, I'm helping to defeat the Huns.


-"Fame", Naturi Naughton
       Besides being another fantastically egotistical song about how incredibly important and awesome you are, it allows me to spontaneously burst into last year's Cabaret choreography.


-"Umbrella Beach", Owl City
       Because it is just happy and bouncy, and involves "spread your wings and fly" imagery...and, on a deeper level, maintaining a connection to home even when you can't see it.


-"Dieu Si Merveilleux", Stephan Query
        The French version of Chris Tomlin's "Awesome is the Lord Most High."  It makes me feel like jumping up and down.


-"Beautiful Place", Urban Blight
         Another byproduct of the "Carmen San Diego" CD discovery, I was actually surprised to be able to locate this one on YouTube.  It's one of those obscure-lyric songs that is about seeing beauty in things that might not seem so great.


-"Turn, Turn, Turn", The Byrds
      Because there's a time for everything, and a time to every purpose under heaven.


So there you have it.  Let me know if you have any suggestions!

Marathon Eating and Homemade Pinatas

Today was another hodge-podge day of unusual occurrences.

First of all, this was a marathon-eating day such as I have never experienced.  My mom and I went for breafast at La Bonne Bouche, a French bakery/cafe that always makes me have throwbacks to Paris the moment I walk through it's doors.  As usual, I had the eggs benedict (heaven on a plate) and coffee.  Something about the smell of their coffee is precisely the smell of the cappuccino at Parisian cafes.  After smelling the coffee and vaguely smiling for a few moments with Parisian reverie, I looked up and saw my mom eying me quizzically.  You know how some smells and tastes just instantly take you back to a place or time?  This was one of those moments.

Needless to say, I was stuffed after breakfast.  Which is why, naturally, I went to Mimi's Cafe for lunch with Jessica, the high school best friend.  To be fair, we were actually out running several different errands, and went and had lunch in the middle of them all.  Still being full from lunch, I opted for the crab fritters, a small and cheap dish of crab and artichoke and spinach magicalness.  And so I entered the afternoon feeling just as full as I had during the morning.

Later in the afternoon I ate a tootsie roll and felt like I was going to die.  Unfortunately, I couldn't keel over from food consumption, because the family was going to dinner at California Pizza Kitchen as a goodbye dinner for Hannah and I before we bounce back to school in a couple days.  Pressured by stressful ordering circumstances (one of those we're-all-hungry-and-ready-to-order-but-you-aren't-so-you-can-just-order-last-and-be-ready-then moments), I ordered a tostada pizza like I usually do, and needless to say took large quantities home.

To sum things up, my life = celebratory eating.  It's a good thing I didn't choose "Eat Healthy" as one of my five goals for January.

Incidentally, looking back at the intense goal-planning journal, I'm actually doing quite well for myself in terms of accomplishing things.  Although the big goals remain unachieved (it's only been a couple weeks), I've completed almost all of the mini-goals I set for myself!  Still have half of the month to go...let's see how far I can go!

The other event of note of the day was crafting a homemade pinata.  Jessica, my aforementioned BFF (juvenile abbreviation acceptable since our friendship dates to the year 2000) is the director of the Parent's Night Out program at the preschool where she teaches, and had her first event tonight: a trip around the world!!!  The whole concept was adorable; I was wishing I was a kid so I could go and do everything she had planned.  Anyway, I spent much of the afternoon helping her run errands to get ready for the night.  This is when we discovered that pinatas, though something intended to be viciously destroyed by children, are ridiculously expensive.  Like $20 for a tiny thing that wouldn't even hold a lot of candy.  The big fun pinatas are $40.  Jessica was dismayed, as the main attraction for "Mexico" was to be a pinata.  Enthusiastically, I said "Let's just MAKE a pinata!" - a concept that Jessica happily agreed to, and that I progressively came to regret, wondering if my overly optimistic confidence in me and Jessica's craft skills would lead to the fall of the Mexican Empire (at least, the preschool version).  Armed with wrapping paper, scotch tape, and string, we actually managed to succeed in packaging 20 little candy bags into a homemade pinata that kind of resembled an abstract internal organ.  Still, we were pretty happy with the result:

We should totally go into the pinata-making business.

My day concluded, surprisingly, by watching the second half of the Miss America pageant with the family...not because we'd planned to, but because it happened to be on TV.  During the talent portion (where too many of the contestants mistakenly thought they were the best singer on earth), fun facts about the contestant popped up on the screen.  One of the girls (I'm pretty sure it was Miss Arizona) apparently saved a child from drowning and delivered two litters of puppies.  Does anyone else find that funny?  It's like quintessential pageant-esque perfection...saving children and puppies.  I'm surprised that girl didn't win.  Also, the most common type of commercial during the pageant was for weight loss programs.  Coincidence?  I think not.  And since I watched the parade of slim pageant girls after my day of marathon eating and destructible-candy-container crafting, it's probably effective marketing.

The girl that ended up winning was, I believe, Miss Nebraska, and looked like just the sweetest girl that ever did run through the cornfields.  So congratulations Miss Nebraska.  May you be an effective goodwill ambassador of our fine nation.  And may you, too, strive to save drowning children and deliver litters of puppies into the world.

That's it for now.  Until tomorrow!

Identity Crisis

"But what about my tattoo?!"

Today, practically everyone in the country had a 5-minute identity crisis when word started circulating that the zodiac calendar had changed because of a tilt of the world's axis over the past 5,000 years...or something to that effect.  Facebook statuses freaked out about the sudden change in identity, until some more informed zodiac followers commented with various excuses about why people's signs had not changed, whether because people were born before 2009 or because Westerners use some sort of tropical zodiac.  Whatever.  It really doesn't interest me all that much...the whole zodiac controversy is like a pothole that momentarily affects your drive, but then you never think about ever again.

But let's just focus on that pothole for a second.  Because for 5 minutes this morning...I was a Taurus.

I've spent the bulk of my life being a Gemini, and apparently shall spend the rest of my life being a Gemini.  Geminis are extroverted, witty, materialistic, and superficial, and often flit from thing to thing and flirt with everything they see.  But they are also intelligent and good communicators.

"Like, what's your sign, like?"

My mental image of a Gemini has always been one of a Barbie-esque party girl who hangs out at the beach and asks guys "What's your sign?" in a seductive voice just so she can answer that she's a Gemini, the ultimate cliche zodiac sign.  Even though I really find the zodiac to be a bunch of nonsense and wholly ineffective as a source of guidance (it was invented by the Babylonians, who are all dead now), I have always been a bit annoyed that my sign is Gemini.  Witty, intelligent, and communicative I'll accept; all that flirty, flighty, superficial junk I could do without.

But this morning, all of a sudden I was a Taurus - stable, hardworking, peaceful, calm, and emotional with the occasional outburst of anger, and unfortunately stubborn, jealous, and controlling.  But good with money.  And much less cliche than the Gemini.

Now the Taurus has many traits I'd like to have in my adult life.  All that stable and hardworking and peaceful calm and whatnot...sounds pretty good.  And I'm quite capable of being jealous and stubborn, although these may not be the most attractive of qualities.  Besides that, the Taurus's symbol is a bull, a symbol of strength and power...the Gemini sign is twins.  TWINS...to me that implies a psychological disorder or a narcissistic worldview; why else would you want to double yourself?  (Note: this doesn't apply to real-life twins, who are quite lovely people and two SEPARATE people...so take no offense, Whitney and Laurie).  So in the five minutes I dedicated to googling zodiac personality descriptions, I was somewhat happy for the shift.

And then all the hardcore zodiac-ers showed up and informed me that, never fear, I am still a cliche, flighty party girl with a split personality.  Crap.

What I find most intriguing about this ultimately non-consequential non-change is the amount of drama it seemed to cause everyone.  Even though most people I know don't believe in the zodiac, I wonder if maybe, on some subconscious level, the reason people were freaking out was because they were suddenly being told that they were somebody else.  On some fundamental level, I think the whole zodiac thing got to people because it hit on their need to understand their identity.

People (myself included) spend a lot of their life on the great quest of self-discovery, hoping to answer the ultimate question: Who am I?  In all reality, a person who doesn't believe in the zodiac shouldn't be at all affected by the news that the signs are changing.  But people were flipping out.  It boils down to something that happens all the time: society telling people who they should be...and telling people that they are something other than who they understand themselves to be.

Something I've often thought about lately is how I define my identity.  I've realized that, a lot of the time, I define my identity in relation to other people or in relation to the circumstance at hand.  As I've told several people, I haven't really felt truly like myself since last May.  Celia at her finest is strong, intelligent, confident, outgoing, well-liked, capable, and optimistic.  Last year, all of these things came to fruition as I was in an environment where I was comfortable being precisely myself, without hindrance or trepidation.  Out of the familiar, am I really the same person?  Each of those traits has felt challenged since I moved to Texas to start grad school.  In these new circumstances, I often feel perpetually weak, unprepared, intimidated, shy, ignored, and overwhelmed.

Yet, I am the same person I was last year.  Why is it that circumstances can so affect our identity?  Why should my identity be influenced by anything but who I want to be, and who I understand myself to be?

Certainly, circumstances can evolve to change one's identity...like, if I suddenly became a parent, obviously there would be some identity shifting going on.  That sort of change isn't necessarily what I'm talking about here.  I mean who we each are in our basic human personalities, and our confidence in claiming our personality as a valid means of existing.

I'd like to be confident enough in who I am that my identity isn't challenged by society, that I don't feel like I have to be someone I'm not.  I want to define who I am, not leave it up to someone else.

So in the end, does it matter if I'm a Gemini or a Taurus?  Not so much.  What does matter, I think, is whether I'm being Celia, and not trying to be somebody else.  Like Judy Garland said, "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

A Series of Irrelevant Thoughts from the Day

As winter break winds down and I prepare to journey back to my home on the range (which I have just decided to call my Dallas apartment), my days have become something of an array of unrelated events.  I suppose that I've run out of things to do here in the StL, or I'm just getting lazy thinking about the schoolwork that is to come. Either way, it makes cohesive blog topics somewhat hard to come by.  I therefore offer you the random thoughts of my day, connected only by their juxtaposition in time:

1) Yams baked in the microwave, though a time-effective cooking strategy, are somewhat inferior to yams baked in the oven.

2) Target sells "The Swan Princess" on DVD for $5.  Target is my best friend.

3) "My look is attainable.  Women can look like Audrey Hepburn by flipping out their hair, buying the large sunglasses, and the little sleeveless dresses." - Audrey Hepburn

4) There is nothing so eclectically intriguing as the home decor section of Goodwill.

5) My plaid coat and new sunglasses make me look a lot richer than I am.

6) Hobby Lobby inspires redecorating...my apartment, your apartment, your Grandma's house, let's redecorate, now.

7) Cookbooks seriously underestimate the needs of single people who get sick of leftovers after 3 days.

8) My middle school smells exactly the same as it did when I attended school there 9 years ago.

9) The social tension of middle school and high schoolers makes me fear my impending internship as a youth pastor.

10) Peanut butter and bananas mixed in with vanilla frozen custard is like heaven in a cup.

11) Kicking tambourines results in much the same musical effect as playing them properly.

12) "Genovia, the land I call my home; Genovia, GENOOOOOVIA!  Forever will your banner wave!"

13) Translating from English to French is easier and more interesting than translating from French to English.

14) I wonder how weird it is for Kate Middleton's family to actually have their daughter grow up to be a princess...and how weird it is for Kate Middleton to grow up and be a princess...

And there you have it.  Thank you for coming along on this journey through Celia's daily thought processes.  Perhaps you can now understand why I had trouble coming up with a cohesive blog topic for the day...

Wake-Up Call

As I was sitting around tonight trying to think up something to write about, I got some much-needed, and yet difficult perspective when my friend Brandon directed me to his blog post for the day.  The post is about the absolutely despicable behavior of the Westboro "Baptist" "Church" (in quotations because they don't merit either of those designations), which plans to protest the funerals of Tuscon shooting victims, even including that of a 9-year-old girl.  I can't even begin to imagine how the grief of the girl's parents would be compounded by the presence of angry protesters screaming that their child died as punishment for her sins (as if a 9-year-old can have that many sins at all).  In his post, Brandon then went on to highlight all the different ways that people in Tuscon are working to counteract the hate of the Westboro group, from building giant angel wings to shield the view of the protesters from the family's eyes and giving Westboro members radio time to air their hateful beliefs in exchange for a cessation of the funeral protests, despite the effect this would have on the stations.  Brandon's blog post can be found here: http://bpennsbasics.blogspot.com/2011/01/westboro-baptist-church.html

After reading his post, I was moved by the juxtaposition of good and evil in this situation.  It's rare that such a dualistic representation of good and evil manifests in society; things are seldom so clean cut when it comes to morality.  I started looking up articles about Christina Greene (the 9-year-old victim).  Although aware of the tragedy, I hadn't really given it much direct thought and contemplation.  Expectedly, I was sickened, horrified, and upset as I scrolled through articles explaining how the bright elementary student had gone to the event as a way to learn more about the government, and how, as a child born on 9/11, her life had been bookended in tragedy.  It's difficult to accept the complete senselessness of the situation...no child should have to experience such a death. 

Worse yet, millions of children die in such tragedy on a daily basis around the world, and their deaths go completely unacknowledged.

As Christina's face looked up at me out of my computer screen, radiant in the innocent beauty of childhood, I felt another pang of disgust...at myself.

I am the first person to admit that I can be a negative person; largely, this blog was born out of unhappiness about my life circumstances.  But compared with such tragedy, especially such tragedy in the lives of children, what have I possibly to complain about?  My supportive family?  My opportunity for tuition-free graduate study?  My comfortable apartment?  My abundance of friends?  My overweight body (a result of having TOO MUCH food to eat)?  The opportunities I've had to travel the world?  My job that perfectly combines my two passions?  The money lent to me by the government to cover living expenses while in school?  The car accident I survived?  Even my lack of a romantic relationship, which is consistently one of the greatest personal struggles in my life, is preferable to an abusive relationship or unhappy marriage.

I am blessed beyond measure.  And if I'm being perfectly honest, more often than not I couldn't care less.

Christina Greene, like so many children in the world, has known tragedy like I have never experienced; yet how often do I get angry at God for the petty "problems" in my life?  God has given me an elaborate banquet of the finest delicacies, and I'm complaining that the cake is chocolate instead of vanilla.  I sit around in completely unmerited depression, while I've been given a blessed life that I am absolutely certain I don't deserve.  

I don't know why Christina Greene's young life ended in the chaos of senseless tragedy while mine has been allowed to continue.  I don't know why God allows such evils to take place in the world.  In theology, the study of reconciling a loving God with the presence of evil in the world is called theodicy.  I remembered the term for exams because it is pronounced like "the odyssey" - and certainly, there is no more difficult task than explaining how God and evil can coexist.  

I'm not attempting to explain how the Tuscon shooting works into God's great plan for the world.  I have absolutely no idea how to make sense of the deaths of Christina Greene and the other victims.  I do realize, though, that I have nothing to complain about.  

When you only think about yourself, the concepts of "positivity" and "negativity" become extremely subjective.  If you've nothing to compare your life to but prior circumstances of your own life, you're bound to get caught up in the insignificant "hardships" of daily life.  Open your eyes: you are blessed.

I often forget why I wanted to go into ministry.  In a way, reading about Christina Greene has helped me remember: being given such a blessed life by God, in my opinion, mandates giving something in return.  Not that God requires it...but how can you accept love without returning it?  Furthermore, the preposterous protests of the Westboro group reminds me of my desire to help expose people to a genuine relationship with God, a Christianity that is above the corruption of many of the world's "Christians."  

Today, I want to challenge you, whoever you are, to look into Christina's eyes.  Really step back and look at the blessings in your life, and then consider your attitude and opinions as far as your life is concerned.  You might be surprised at what you find.

Financial Musings

Today I made a budget.  Yes.  I put those Personal Finance May Term Class skills to use, and listed my monthly income and fixed monthly expenses, and discovered that after paying for the unavoidables - apartment rent, utilities, groceries, gas, furniture/cable bills, etc - I will have $90 to spend on whatever else I need for the month.  Which, is essentially $18 a week for socializing, non-food shopping needs, etc...assuming that I want to spend less than my job/loans give me.

This seems...tight.  Possible.  But tight.

And there would be no opportunity for saving except for the "Keep the Change" thing my checking account does automatically.

Shortly after working out said budget I started searching for a second job.

Ideally, this job would be student-friendly, and still allow me to be able to travel home for spring break (perhaps this is babyish of me, but I would love to be able to see my family again before August.  That's kind of a priority for me.)  I feel like this instantly throws your standard retail/food service jobs out of the running.  I applied to the library (not sure if they're hiring), and looked about for things like church childcare and French tutoring, to no particular success.  Of course, if I'd be willing to forgo visits home, I could open up a lot more options...I'm not sure if I'm ready to make that sacrifice just yet.

Conversely, I could always see if I could bump my CCFOF hours up to 2 hours a day instead of 1 (this makes me sound lazy, but the salary is good enough and the work is often slim enough that 1 hour a day is reasonable).  This would depend a lot on if I'd have enough work to do...it would be bad to run out of tasks all of a sudden.  And, actually, I've been having trouble even making myself work 1 hour every day.  This is mostly from a lack of motivation and being overwhelmed and depressed all the time last semester.  (Remember that "Make Work a Priority" goal?)  If I set aside specific hours to work - effectively giving myself a "work schedule" even though I work from home - I'm pretty sure I could bump up the hours and therefore the salary.  Whether or not the CCFOF could afford to double my pay is another question altogether...being a non-profit we function completely off donations, and something like 98% of donations goes directly to French ministries (in case you were wondering).

If I find another job, I feel like it would be good if it was something sporadic yet well paying.  Once last semester, my friend Danielle and I got paid $100 ($200? I forget) to be ushers at Danielle's mom's friend's daughter's wedding reception.  I had several friends who were servers for a catering company and only worked a couple events a month.  If I could find something like that, it'd be good...especially since I'd have to give up this potential second job by August in order to do my church internship.  Babysitting would be good if I could find kids to babysit...a bit difficult since I don't know many families with children.

It's all quite complicated, and if I didn't live so far away from family that I desperately want to be able to visit I'd be in less of a predicament.  That's the glory of working from home with the CCFOF...if I have my laptop, I can do my job.  It's not location-specific.  I wish more jobs could be like that.

Ideally, the library will be hiring, and will want to hire me.  So fingers crossed everyone!

(Also, please feel free at all times to send money to the Celia-in-Grad-School Fund, Dallas, TX.  Just kidding.  But really...)