Anyway, being at the mall with horrible allergies, and therefore more susceptible to frustration and irritability, made me aware of several things that I dislike about the mall, which can be personified into ten types of "Mall People":
1) The Security Guards on Segways: This isn't "Mall Cop." Just walk.
3) The Unnecessarily Hardcore Mall Walkers: I'm all for walking for health, and in the winter I too have gone to the mall just to be able to walk around without freezing to death (essentially, that's what I was doing today). But, I don't think it's necessary to walk the extreme perimeter of the walkways just because you're "exercising"...especially if I'm sitting on a bench against the wall and still feel like I have to move out of your way.
4) The Super Fabulous Shoppers: Okay, yes, today I felt and looked extra horrible due to the allergy onset, but I think that, on principal, I shouldn't have to feel self-conscious of my appearance at the mall. As my friend Brandi put it, "I feel like I'm not fabulous enough to be at the mall, but then the reason I'm AT the mall is so I can buy new fabulous things."
5) The Cell Phone Kiosk Guys: I don't want a new cell phone. Notice how I'm talking just fine on mine, so please don't accost me about getting a new one. And also, why is it that cell phone kiosk guys are always young and attractive? I think it's all just a marketing ploy.
6) The Beauty Product Kiosk Girls: Getting around these girls is like trying to run across a battlefield unscathed.
7) The Perfume Department Women: See the Beauty Product Kiosk Girls...except they're coming at you from all sides.
8) The Ridiculously Intense Shoppers: You know the type: bag-laden, fast walking, like a hound on the hunt of a wiley fox, ready to devour any unnecessary rodent that gets in their way. This actually happened last week, but this woman with spiky hair and crazy eyes came up to me while I was on the phone and asked me if there was a Forever 21 in the mall. When I said no, I didn't think so, she stared at me with this look of "What is your problem?? How DARE you deprive me of my Forever 21 needs???", causing me to hastily backtrack and try to explain that I've moved away and haven't been to the mall in awhile and could be mistaken. Imagine my horror at later discovering that there IS a Forever 21 in the mall...I spent the rest of the day dodging that woman for fear she would eat me alive in revenge.
9) The Family Shoppers: If your family consists of 10 or more members, please split up while shopping. I'd rather not have to awkwardly navigate my way through four generations of people just because Grandma's enthralled by the socks on the left and little Susie is enamored with the shoes on the right, and the rest of the family is hovering stupidly across the entire aisle.
10) The Middle School Hordes: Similar to the Family Shoppers, these hormone-ridden, J-14 reading fashionistas never seem to come to the mall in groups smaller than 6 or 7. I assume that a lack of drivers' licenses is to blame: they get their parents to drop them off at the mall to experience several hours of pseudo-freedom and socializing while contained within a shopping center. There always seems to be one token guy among the group, usually with baggy pants and a backwards baseball cap, while the girls all have on tight Abercrombie t-shirts and mini-skirts even in January. They always come tumbling out of storefronts when you least expect them, like an avalanche onto an unsuspecting village. Beware, villagers...beware.
All this being said, there are several things I like about the mall, such as excited children on bungee trampolines, people who precisely embody the demographic of the store they come out of (like the dapper young gentlemen with a black v-neck and dramatic glasses frames who I saw come out of Lens Crafters today), and the mall's intrinsic ability to provide me with a place to pass the time out of the house without having a specific destination in mind. So yes, I like the mall.
If only I could get all those other people out of it...
!!!!!!!That was awesome. Like REALLY GOOD. Articulate and FUNNY! I laughed out loud. I nver do that. I especially liked this bit:
ReplyDelete5) The Cell Phone Kiosk Guys: I don't want a new cell phone. Notice how I'm talking just fine on mine, so please don't accost me about getting a new one. And also, why is it that cell phone kiosk guys are always young and attractive? I think it's all just a marketing ploy.
Because I FEEL YOUR PAIN! These guys are always after me because I'm usually alone and then I look all nice and approachable. One time I walked pass this guy who was trying to sell me a cell phone plan and he yelled at me "hey you dropped something!" so I wheel around to search for something and then he yells something snarky that I still can't remember, embarrassing me and stuff. I hate that guy. And I hate all hot male kiosk guys. So, yeah, this was all true for me. Good job!