Basically since I moved here in August, I've been in a dark night of the soul - "a phase in a person's spiritual life, marked by a sense of loneliness and desolation" (thank you, Wikipedia). Seriously though, even though I may have just quoted a Wikipedia article (it's late, cut me some slack), I actually know quite a bit about dark nights of the soul...besides being personally in one for nine months, I also just read a 320 page book about dark nights of the soul, and subsequently wrote a 10 page paper on said book. Dark nights of the soul go deeper than just depression, to the very core of a person's being. They tend to appear around major life changes...like graduating from college and losing an identity nearly inextricably tied to one's life at that college, and moving 10 hours away from family and living alone for the first time and changing graduate school plans at the last minute. Any of this sound familiar?
But, I'm starting to think that I may be emerging from the dark night again...over the past couple of days (basically, ever since my car got literally picked up out of that ditch by a bunch of people who are my slight acquaintances at best), I've kind of been able to step out of myself and look at my life objectively, from the outside, without the lens of darkness and underlying loneliness tainting my view of my world. And, when I look at my life from outside, I realize that there ARE aspects of it that I legitimately love.
It's little moments that have been giving me these fleeting glimmers of light lately...
...laughing harder than I've laughed in months with friends over tacos tonight
...doing homework on campus on a blanket under the evening sky, with the chapel looming overhead
...watching a video I took of the Anberlin concert I saw last fall
...finding new things to do in Dallas
...singing worship songs in my spiritual formation class this morning
....watering the community garden
...eating ice cream cookie sandwiches on patio seating
...getting the opportunity to try my hand at Zen meditation as a suburban-raised American white girl
...shopping for new clothes with a friend and laughing ourselves silly over a fish t-shirt
...saying hello to multiple people in succession on campus, and feeling known by people
...exercising in a state-of-the-art fitness center while chatting with a friend who's on the next exercise bike over
...feeling the young-people vibe in my neighborhood, and somehow feeling connected to the entire world of young-adulthood
...connecting with the women in my Bible study, and knowing that I'm being prayed for...and sensing those prayers working (particularly in the area of lowering school stress)
...liking the way I look, and feeling in control of my weight and general appearance
...forming multiple ideas of possibilities for post-graduation, and feeling like I'll have several choices to pursue that I could enjoy and be good at doing
They're all little things, and I know there's others that haven't made the list. I can't really describe how these moments make me feel except to say that they stand out against the loneliness and desolation as glimmers of light...hopeful moments that make me think that I can be happy and confident again, and even as much as I used to be.
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