Don't Even Talk to Me About A Blog Post

I have an essay due tomorrow that I started writing at 9pm.  Don't judge; that's just the way it is.

I'm getting back to that now.

Work, Class, Study. Such Is My Life.

Today was just like yesterday, but it involved work and class in addition to the marathon library sessions.  And a chinese buffet for lunch, which is always good.  Highlights included tropical shrimp and a seafood biscuit.  I'd go back to that restaurant just to eat a plate of those two items.

As far as work is concerned, it continues to go well.  Today I went with Edwin, the associate pastor, and his wife to help at a food pantry down the street - packing food into boxes, stocking shelves, etc.  Edwin took some pictures for the church, which is good for you blog-readers because it allows for illustration...

Class was kind of a struggle to get through - I was tired from work and becoming more and more overwhelmed with the amount of homework awaiting me at the library post-class, and these factors made my professor's Argentinian accent more difficult to understand and my classmate's irrelevant comments more difficult to put up with.  The class is mostly first-year students, and they haven't been "broken" yet, as I say...meaning that they are still naively unaware of their naivete and still trying to sound super smart by making connections that don't need to be made.  I'm also fairly certain that Hermione Granger's upper-middle-aged American counterpart is in my class.  But anyway, I don't mean to rant...I'm sure they're all wonderful people, and I'm probably just more annoyed with them than usual because I'm tired and stressed by the time I arrive in class.

Anywho, I headed to the library directly after class and finished all the reading for my systematic theology class tomorrow, but I haven't written up the half-page response yet.  I'm worried for tomorrow because I'm going to have to write A LOT for my Thursday classes, including a reflection essay for my internship that I haven't started yet.  Here's hoping that tomorrow is a day that I work well under pressure instead of becoming paralyzed in my studies...otherwise, I could be looking at an all-nighter in the second week of the semester.  And that definitely doesn't bode well for the rest of the year.

All this being said, I did sincerely enjoy the food pantry and the chinese lunch with my work colleagues, and even sitting in the library reading was nice (for awhile) after a day of running from one thing to the next.  Now I just need to make it through tomorrow, and the homework avalanche will be stalled enough for me to catch my breath briefly before diving into next week's assignments!

Overwhelmedness

Today I worked on homework in the library for 6 hours, with considerable periods of staring into space in overwhelmedness.  Yeah.  Overwhelmedness.  I'm declaring it to be a word right now.

After those six hours, I went and met with my lay teaching committee at the church to go over my intern progress so far.  Then I met some friends at Pei Wei and ate copious amounts of honey chicken to drown my sorrows...then we went to Marble Slab because it was next door, and we like ice cream.  I'd planned to go back to the library after dinner, but it was getting pretty late and I thought I'd reached my overwhelmedness quota for the day, so I went back to the apartment.  And here I am: exhausted and overwhelmed...and heading into a new week.

Oy.

Sunday Work-Day

I think it's going to take me awhile to get into this new Sunday = Work Day thing that going into full-time ministry entails.  Granted, I'm still just in the phase of sitting in on meetings and classes and things, but it's a long day nonetheless - imagine going to church for 6 hours straight, and you'll kind of get the idea...except that I also have to be "on" all the time, making a good impression to everyone I meet as the enthusiastic, confident, intelligent young intern.  For a person who (believe it or not) is naturally introverted, it can be a bit draining.

The bright side, though, is that my name is now printed in the bulletin under "Church Staff."  That's fun :)

It was also payday.  Also fun :)

The afternoon was spent taking a nap, and then my boyfriend came over and we cooked dinner together and went for a walk around SMU's campus.  Then, I wrapped up the evening Skyping with an old friend.  So overall, it was definitely a good day, if another long one.

Now tomorrow...tomorrow is study day.  Really.  I'm going to bed as soon as this is posted, waking up at a decent hour, and then heading off to the library (since studying in the apartment hasn't been too fruitful this weekend).  Ideally, I'd like to work out tomorrow, but I think that would just wear me out more and make me less productive in the homework realm, which needs to take priority right now.  Then I'll have a meeting with my lay teaching committee at the church tomorrow evening, when I'll get some initial feedback about my work so far and generally talk about my job.  That's the plan, and I'm sticking to it!!

Reprieve

Today was a much needed day of rest.  I slept until 10:00, which was nice...and then I took a nap from 11:30-2:00.  Yeah.  I basically just slept all day, and the parts of the day that weren't spent sleeping were spent putting off homework or chatting with friends and family via the phone and the internet.  Happily, I DID finish one reading assignment, so the day wasn't a total loss...and anyway, I've decided that personal rest time shouldn't be counted as wasted time when it is needed, and today it was very, very needed.

In the evening I went to a social event at the school that mostly involved ice cream, laughing with friends, and watching Rio (yes, the movie about the birds).  The movie was actually surprisingly delightful...about 10 times funnier than I thought it was going to be.  It was a fun night to just relax with school friends.

So that was my day!  Tomorrow is another work day, and then Monday will be a study day, and then I'll hit the ground running for week two of the semester.  Breaks never last long!

Surprise Date!

So today started out really rough - I woke up at 7:15am absolutely exhausted, but reluctantly dragged myself out of bed, got dressed (nicely, because it was a work day), and plopped down on the couch with a bowl of Banana Nut Crunch cereal to do my morning devotional (courtesy of commonprayer.net).  Then, at 8:30, I dragged myself, my class bag, my lunch, and my work purse to my car, and drove to school.  When I got to campus, the classroom was over halfway filled, and there weren't any seats open around my friends, so I dragged myself to the extreme back left corner of the big lecture hall, dropped my stuff down, and then wandered over to the refectory in search of a cup of coffee, then took it back to the room (talking to a couple friends along the way).  Back in my corner of unintentional banishment, I sipped my coffee apathetically until, happily, my new friend Katrina appeared and came and sat by me.  An hour later, class was over, and I drove across town for work.

This is where the day took a turn for the better - after just an hour, my mentor pastor said the magic words, "OK, see you Sunday!"  He let me off work FOUR HOURS early!  Since I'm still new, there's not a great amount of work for me to do, so I got to go home instead!  I spent the afternoon attempting to take naps (which failed because of the massive caffeine quantities consumed in preparation of the long day I expected), doing a tiny amount of class reading, and generally lounging about.

The evening was definitely the best part of the day - my boyfriend Josh, recently returned from his trip to California, took me on a surprise date...I was rather nervous about this idea, because we've only been dating for two months, and it seems like surprises are still kind of risky this early in the relationship.  But, it was really, really great!  We ended up going to Pappadeaux, a cajun seafood restaurant in the West End, where Josh's dad's band was playing!  So we just got to kick back, eat some good seafood, and listen to great music and just laugh and enjoy ourselves.  It was truly a great night (and in case you were wondering, the band was truly very, very good.)

The funniest part of the night was when Josh and I, neither of us being super hungry and entrees being kind of pricey, decided to split the "Pappadeaux Platter", which is your typical fried seafood platter featuring fried tilapia, crawfish, shrimp, fries, stuffed shrimp, stuffed crab, and what have you.  Here's a picture of the meal that, mind you, we SPLIT:

Yeah.  Those two plates are ONE MEAL.  It was ridiculous.  I can only hope that Pappadeaux secretly intends for people to split that meal...even together, Josh and I only ate about half of it, and both took home leftovers (although, granted, my leftovers were mostly fries.  I know how to prioritize a seafood platter).

So anyway, it was a super fun night :)  Now tomorrow, I'm going into super homework mode - reading for three classes AND writing a paper, and hopefully maybe even trying to work ahead a bit.  But after a stressful week, tonight was a wonderful way to start the weekend :)

And now a gratuitous couple picture...because if nothing else, I know that the family who reads this blog is curious :-P

...life is hard today.

Today was one of those quintessential days that starts out alright, but slowly deteriorates into an absolutely exhausting, difficult day all around.  I think Thursdays just might kill me this semester...I have seven hours of class in total, comprising two 2.5 hr seminars and one 1.5 hour class.  The layout of these classes is such that I'm on campus from 9am-6pm...with a couple breaks built in, which is good.  But still, that's a long day.

Mostly, I'm just exhausted.  This grown-up "wake up at 7am" lifestyle is a big change from last year's "nowhere to be until 3pm" schedule.  And, as I became more tired, the day became more difficult.

For example, here are some of the little things that made life hard today:

-Morning rain shower that lasted just long enough for me to walk from my apartment to my car

-Driving the pedestrian-laden obstacle course that is SMU's weekday campus

-Left my computer charger at home by mistake, necessitating a midday apartment run

-Apartment carpet wet from today's carpet cleaning (which is overall a good thing, but is still inconvenient)

-Professor's Argentinian accent and all-over-the-place teaching style, while charming and entertaining on Tuesday, is waaaaaay difficult to follow at the end of a 9-hr day

-Lost Hispanic man asking me for directions outside my apartment in Spanish when all I really want to do is go inside...and then responding to my "No Espanol" assertion by talking faster in Spanish and waving more fervently at the building

-Excessively long line at Chipotle (my too-tired-to-cook-and-sick-of-chicken-anyway solution), made excessively longer by a woman insisting on ordering a Cheese Quesadilla, even though such item is nowhere to be found on the menu, and made more uncomfortable by athletic girl standing unusually close behind me as we stood in line forever

-Apartment parking lot overtaken by attendees of the function at the clubhouse down the street

From this point on, I spent the night watching TV.  Thankfully, I'm caught up on homework for the week, so nothing is pressing to be done for tomorrow morning.  But still...this year is going to require a lot of planning, a lot of working ahead, and a LOT of intentional self-care.  And probably earlier bedtimes.

On a side note, is it bad that I'm looking forward to Saturday because I'll get to just work on homework all day?  I wonder what this says about this year...

INTENSE!

Today was my first day of my Systematic Theology course.  This class is notoriously difficult, because it requires the writing of a personal credo...which is essentially an enormous paper in which we expound our views about everything in the entire universe in a way that is thoughtful and coherent.  But even though it was only the first day...it was possibly the most intimidating class ever.

The class opened like the first day of every class by going over guidelines..the most noteworthy of which, in today's case, was the discovery that if any class member is discovered using their computer for anything other than taking notes during class time (Facebook, Email, etc.), he or she immediately fail the course.  And even though we shouldn't be doing those things during class anyway...sheesh.  That was intimidating.  The classroom went absolutely silent at this point - presumably because half the people (like me) were shocked out of typing notes and the other half were on Facebook and suddenly feared for their academic life.  Other guidelines include addressing classmates as "Mr. or Ms. So and So" in order to encourage an atmosphere of respect, and the typical no cell phone rule.  On this point, actually, I was slightly concerned because my professor used the phrase "switched off", and I usually just turn my phone to silent...but at this point, I was too scared to reach for my phone to turn it off all the way, for fear that it would seem like I was texting in class.

Like I said.  Intimidating.

Even more intimidating, however, was the afternoon preceptorial session, the discussion-based portion of the class that divides the 60 member course into groups of 12 (meaning there's no hiding).  It's one of those courses where disagreements are encouraged, but you're still afraid to speak up for fear of being wrong.  Most of us just sat there like deer in headlights for the 50 minute session...hopefully the intimidation factor will lessen as the course continues.

Even so, I think it'll be a really good class...I'll just have to make sure I keep my head above water!

Mabuting Pakikitungo

That is, according to Google Translate, the Tagalog word for "hospitality;" and, after just a couple of days of working at a church with a majority Filipino congregation, I think that we Americans could use a lesson in mabuting pakikitungo.

As an illustration, I shall now recount to you my tale of unintentionally crashing an intimate Filipino get-together.

Today was my first non-Sunday day on the job at the church, and since my mentor pastor is out of town at the moment, I wound up just tagging along with the associate pastor on his activities for the day - including, apparently, a goodbye lunch for an elderly church member named Nora who is returning to the Philippines tomorrow.  From the way that Edwin (the associate pastor) casually invited me along, I pictured a good-sized gathering of people from the church.  Instead, after a lengthy drive out to Garland with Edwin's wife and daughter, we pulled into the parking lot of a modest apartment complex, knocked on the door, and walked into an apartment about the same size as my personal one-bedroom apartment, but stuffed with more furniture and more people.

The woman who answered the door (the owner of the apartment, whose name I'm ashamed to say I don't remember) glanced at me with confusion at first, but greeted us all enthusiastically and lit up when I was introduced as "the seminary intern."  Still, I felt like I was intruding on an intimate family affair, horribly aware of the fact that I had no significant connection to this woman nor any of those who were actually invited.

But then, as I stepped through the door, I saw Nora smiling and sitting across the room on a couch.  Although, to be fair, I only saw her sitting on the couch for a moment; the next second, this short, 82-year-old Filipino woman, who perfectly fit the embodiment of elderly wisdom, was walking across the room with outstretched arms, and embracing me in a hug.  The top of her head barely came above my elbows, but with great authority she welcomed me into the house, and designated a spot on the couch next to her for me to sit (which I did, with gratitude).  As everyone settled into the small living room, the conversation shifted seamlessly from English to Tagalog and back, punctuated by the sounds of a Filipino game show coming from the flatscreen TV lingering overhead.  Shyness and language restraints getting the best of me, I didn't participate greatly in the conversation, but I felt a sort of intangible feeling of being welcomed in this place - a feeling that was reinforced when it came time to eat, and I was gently forced into serving myself first: a right that I felt I certainly did not have, but a gift which was bestowed  upon me nonetheless.

Speaking of the meal, this was my first real glimpse into an authentic Filipino meal, and it was such a cool experience!  The rice was cooked in that perfect way where it is gooey and sticky, and served with some sort of sea-green colored soup mixture featuring floating chicken drumsticks, and large chunks of ginger root and potato that were tinted the same inexplicable green color.  Alongside this intriguing bowl sat a dish of super thin noodles tossed with shrimp, scallops, carrots, egg, and seasoned with some sort of reddish spice that was familiar but unidentifiable.  The final dish appeared at first glance to be two long pieces of seared steak, but upon closer inspection was actually whole fish (heads and all).  I actually didn't eat the fish because initially I didn't see a knife to cut it with, and eventually because it never made its way across the table to me and I didn't necessarily care to request its presence on my plate.  But everything else was quite good.

As we were eating, more relatives flowed in and out of the apartment, occasionally grabbing plates and dishing up some of the leftovers of the meal, which were plentiful despite the deceivingly small serving dishes.  I eventually struck up a conversation with Nora and one of her daughters (again, the name escapes me), and I learned that, in Filipino culture, one always plans for unexpected guests when preparing meals - that is, to them, an integral part of hospitality.  That was such a foreign concept for me (pardon the pun).  When I cook meals for people (which, granted, is not very often) I plan the meals in such a way that there will be enough for everyone to take a good amount of food, so that nobody gets shorted.  So, if I'm cooking for a group of 4, I'll probably prepare something like 6 servings of everything...but, if two extra people showed up unexpectedly, I would likely go into a hostess panic and, quite honestly, be quietly resentful of their presence and the inconsiderateness of the people who invited them without informing me.

What a difference from the Filipino culture that I suddenly find myself immersed in.

Really, after experiencing this Filipino culture of hospitality in just a couple days, I am convinced that the Filipino picture of hospitality is much closer to authentic Christian hospitality than the American idea.  This is not just in regards to food preparation, but in the entire attitude of welcoming strangers that seems to pervade their gatherings.  Over and over, I have been told the same two things by church members: "You will be well fed" and "Welcome to our family."  And, I must say...I don't think they're exaggerating on either account.

The other thing that stood out at lunch was the sheer strength of Nora's faith even in a life filled with hardships.  As I munched on rice, she told me with great vivacity of how she came with her husband to the United States from the Philippines and struggled for 25 years to get all their children to the USA as well.  She told me of losing her son and her husband, but spoke of both of these events with a smile on her face and in her eyes, declaring in a way that was not at all ironic that they were "with the Lord."  Nora asserted over and over that we all "have the same Father," and reminded the table frequently that "man proposes, but God disposes" (meaning that we can come up with all the plans we want, but God's plan is supreme).  I only knew her for a couple hours, but I was infinitely grateful that I had the opportunity to meet her before she returned to the Philippines, however brief our meeting.

As I left the lunch, Nora gave me several hugs and declared that she would never forget me.  And while she may or may not really remember me in years to come, I am certain that I will never forget Nora.

Day to Day

I wrote a couple of days ago about living out God's will on a day to day basis instead of trying to figure out God's plan for your life and THEN acting it out.  I'm discovering that this outlook, besides being more practical than the latter, also helps tremendously with NERVES.

I get nervous about things.  My parents make fun of me because I have a "nervous cough" - as its name implies, this is a specific way that I cough when I'm nervous.  Hang around me long enough and you'll probably be able to identify it.  In any case, I get nervous about stuff, particularly stuff that is unfamiliar or unpredictable.  You may recall my recent mishap of texting my now-boyfriend that I was nervous about seeing him, when I meant to send that text to a close female friend.  Lately, I've been getting nervous about a new year, a new job, and new classes.

But, in being nervous about these things, I've discovered that my nervous radar has been much less frantic than usual.  In fact, my nervousness of late has tended more towards a little blip on the radar instead of sounding major alarms.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that this is a side effect of the new outlook about doing God's will in terms of the day-to-day, instead of the indefinite.

Mostly, what I have been discovering lately is the relentless continuation of days.  Days are pretty short, in the grand scheme of eternity.  And, while days do add up over time to equal an eternity, individual days themselves are pretty insignificant.  My mantra in times of anxiety tends to be: "It'll be over this time tomorrow."  Focusing on a day at a time is better than focusing on forever, I'm discovering.

This doesn't mean that I'm not PLANNING for long-term things, of course - I wouldn't be concerned with living on a budget or studying to get good grades if that was the case.  But, in terms of nervousness, taking things a day at a time is my new best friend.

In reality, this is an unnecessarily introspective post to give context to how I'm nervous about my second day on the job tomorrow, and my first day of classes...but I'm not THAT nervous.  My nerves are more like little "eek!" moments instead of all-consuming dread (though that would be a bit exaggerated, given the circumstances).  But in any case, it'll be over this time tomorrow.

In entirely unrelated news, I made a strawberry-raspberry galette today.  It was tasty and pretty...excluding the syrup that leaked out when I tried to check the bottom to see if it was done.

So here's to galettes, and living life day to day :)

First Day of Work: Check!

I had my first day of work at the church where I'll be serving my internship this year!  I arrived at 9am for breakfast before the service; so, my first image of my mentor pastor "on the job" (aka, not formally interviewing me) was scrambling eggs in the kitchen.  I kind of love that.  Sundays are big at this church...it's the kind of church where the entire congregation stays around for upwards of 6 hours.  Throughout the day I attended breakfast, morning devotional, an adult Sunday school class, the (lengthy) worship service, the young adult Sunday school class, lunch, and a United Methodist Women meeting before meeting briefly with my mentor pastor (now far removed from scrambling eggs) to discuss my schedule for the upcoming week.

So all in all, a busy first day!  My focus for this month is just to become familiar with all the ministries of the church, meet the members of the church (I seriously met about half of them today), and just generally learn my way around the church where I'll be working this year!  My first impressions are very good...the church is wonderful in its hospitality, and over and over the members of the church welcomed me to their "family."  I really think it'll be a great year!

Spontaneity at its Finest

Today my friend Miranda and I decided out of the blue to go to Fort Worth.

It was my last day of freedom before the descent of work and classes (the former of which will begin in promptly 10 hours), so we decided last night to get together and do fun things.  The plan was to meet at my apartment around noon, get lunch somewhere, and then go from there.

Waiting on the train...

So Miranda shows up around noon, with the suggestion that we take the train to Fort Worth for the day.  Since this was worlds better than any potential plan I had come up with, I enthusiastically agreed.  We started off with lunch at Rockfish, a seafood restaurant at Mockingbird Station in Dallas (fish and chips - yum!), and then took the DART train from there.  Things were going very smoothly until it came time to switch trains.  We got on the second train just fine, but soon discovered that that train wouldn't be departing for an hour.  We were at the end of the line, and the train doesn't run as often on the weekends.  So we hung out on the train, happy to be sitting in the air conditioning and figuring that this was similar to what we'd be doing anywhere else.  Eventually, the train pulled out, and about an hour later we arrived in Fort Worth.

Fort Worth Skyline

When we got off the train, it was already 4:30 - a little later in the day than either of us had anticipated our arrival time.  We consulted a timetable (as we probably should have done in the first place), and decided that the best train to take back to Dallas was the 8:21pm departure, giving us about 4 hours to wander the city.  I've been to Fort Worth exactly one time (last weekend, to go to the circus), but that was enough to give me a working knowledge of the city's layout.  I REALLY like Fort Worth - it's a very walkable downtown, and the architecture is beautiful, and it doesn't feel nearly as pretentious or vaguely dangerous as downtown Dallas.

Crawfish Etoufee!

Destination #1 was the Sid Richardson Museum, which featured a small gallery of Western paintings - cowboys and native americans and all that jazz.  It was all interesting and Texas-like.  After that we spent some time wandering Sundance Square and looking around random shops, mostly those involving Texas paraphernalia and hippie clothes/jewelry and whatnot.  Around 6:00 we decided we should start thinking about dinner - not because we were hungry, but because we wanted a good buffer before we had to catch the train.  So we chose a Cajun restaurant...and it was SO FUN and SO GOOD!!!  The inside was all colorful and Mardi Gras-tastic.  I had the Cajun Etoufee with Crawfish (after clarifying that the crawfish wouldn't come with heads on them), and it was absolutely delicious.  Then, even though we were both stuffed, Miranda and I split a Bread Pudding...which was sooooooooo tasty!  After we left the restaurant, we were both stuffed to the point of discomfort, but pleased with the deliciousness of our endeavor.  We ended the day by walking off our food babies (I named mine Bubba), and exploring the Fort Worth Water Gardens, a collection of unique and enormous fountains.  It was super cool!

Fountain at the Water Gardens

Finally, absolutely exhausted, we returned to the train station, and after waiting about half an hour, boarded our train for the ride home.  I timed the trip, and discovered that a well-planned train trip to Fort Worth from Dallas takes an hour and twenty minutes (not including sitting on a stationary train for an hour like our first journey).  That's a bit longer than it takes by car, but it's much more wallet-friendly and works out well when you're too exhausted and stuffed with etoufee to feel like driving back.

So that was my last day of freedom!  It was a day well spent, to be sure :)

A Twitter Account of My Day

I was talking with my friend Kelly just now about how I feel like my blog has been suffering lately - I keep putting off posts until I'm too tired to write, or until my eyes hurt from staring at meaningless social media stuff on the computer screen, or just plain not doing anything blog-worthy throughout the day.  Kelly said not to worry about it, and that ramblings about my day are basically just like what Twitter is, and people seem to like that.

Even if I don't have a Twitter account...I liked that idea.  So here is what my day would have looked like on Twitter, if I had a Twitter account:

9:00am - Oh hi there snooze alarm...

11:30am - What a weird dream that was...rabbits turning into horror-movie-esque children...WAIT it's already 11:30?!?!  I can't believe I slept so late!

12:00pm - commonprayer.net is awesome, check it out!

1:00pm - Oh University Station Post Office, why must you be so sketchy?

1:45pm - Just set up an account on StumbleUpon!  Best new method of procrastination?  Yes...

3:27pm - Just remembered I have an episode of Project Runway to watch on DVR!!

4:58pm - Yeah...I'm glad Julie got eliminated, her clothes perplex me...

5:15pm - 50 First Dates is such a funny movie!  Can't believe I've never seen it before!

6:45pm - Off to the Students of Missional Wisdom Kickoff event!  You should come too!!!

7:35pm - I am secretly the master of sand volleyball...when I'm playing 2-on-1 against two equally volleyball-illiterate friends ;)

8:07 - Nothing like a sand volleyball game to remind you that you're out of shape...

8:15pm - Just put a water bottle covered in sand on my neck to cool off...smart move there.

8:27pm - Bump, Set, Spike!!

8:45pm - ...I am COVERED in sand!!!!

9:17pm - Took a shower...I feel so cleeeeeean and sand-freeeee!

9:40pm - "I daresay you'll find him very agreeable."  "It would be most inconvenient since I've sworn to loathe him for all eternity."  :)

10:38pm - Love catching up with old friends!

11:40pm - Blog posting time...

12:00am - About to call it a night!  Goodnight all!

Really Oriented.

Yesterday I was oriented.  Today...I am REALLY oriented.

The final step of intern orientation was tonight - the Lay Teaching Committee orientation, during which I met with my mentor pastor and eight members of the church where I'll be working, who will be supporting me and giving me feedback throughout the year.  It was so great to get to meet some members of the church - they were all so excited to meet me and so friendly!  I think they're going to be a really great group to work with, and if they're representative of the church as a while, then I think it's going to be a really great church to work at!

I also acquired all the remaining textbooks for my courses, meaning that I am officially ready to start the semester.  I'll have tomorrow and Saturday off, and I start work on Sunday and classes on Tuesday!

Oriented.

I am officially oriented to my internship...with the exception of meeting with my mentor pastor and lay teaching committee for a couple hours tomorrow night.  Overall, I really enjoyed the last two days...I think it's going to be a good year of internship, and I'm excited to get back into more hands-on ministry - even if I'm still as nervous as all get out.

In other news I ate chips and dip for dinner.  I fully acknowledge that this was a bad idea...but it sure was satisfying.

Later on, I went and got frozen yogurt with a friend and talked about our lives, which is always good.  I also realized tonight just how happy I am with my life right now...so happy. :)

Theological Reflections for a New Year

I am in seminary, so you know I have to talk about God every once in awhile.

Today I had my internship orientation (part one), and as I was sitting there in the Great Hall, I couldn't help remember this time last year, and my first-year student orientation.  Last year's orientation intimidated the heck out of me; I was still reeling from the unexpected grad-school swap that moved me across the country, and still sunburnt from a trip to Mexico that ended two days prior.  Walking into that orientation was harder than walking into the first day of kindergarten; why, I'll never quite be sure, but it was one of the most intimidating moments of my life.

When I walked into the same hall in the same building for my internship orientation today, even though I'm halfway through my degree program, I had some of those same feelings of intimidation and concern - despite the fact that it's a new year, it started out remarkably similar to the last one - in the same building, in the same hall, at the same round tables, staring up at the same podium.

Lately I've been reflecting a lot on last year, and today I feel that my reflections came full circle and I finally began to understand what I could not last year.  My first academic year at seminary was the single most difficult year of my life...and I really didn't see that coming.  I was plucked out of my comfort zone by a full scholarship to move to Texas instead of continuing to live in Kentucky, I was caught off guard by classes that were much more difficult than I expected, I was always lonely despite making several new friends, and with my Christian support group 900 miles away, my faith began to fail me.  This is a stumbling block that all Christians meet at some point, and even though I'd heard that it often happens in seminary, I never thought it would happen to me.

Because, you see, I was following God's plan.  Or at least, I had been, back in Kentucky.  That was where I knew the plan, and I was certain of the steps that I needed to take to follow that plan.

The thing is, living my post-graduate life in Kentucky wasn't actually the plan...but I didn't know it.  So when God had other plans, I freaked out.  Actually, I didn't just freak out; I stuck my feet to the floor like a stubborn toddler and wouldn't budge from what I thought was the plan.  Instead of putting my energy into the new plan, I focused on the plan that was lost, and I entered into what I would later acknowledge as a dark night of the soul, when I was required to write a paper on this spiritual phenomenon.

Dark nights of the soul are periods of spiritual darkness, when a person feels separated from God to the point that they reach their lowest emotional point and a pervading sense of desolation affects everything.  But, the thing about dark nights of the soul is that they are transformative - according to Saint John of the Cross, they are periods that lead to a stronger and more mature union with God through struggling.  It's a good place for that Biblical metaphor about "wrestling with God" to come in.  I would say that my dark night started around October of last year, and continued through May of this year.  Dedicated blog readers will recognize that I started this blog as a self-improvement venture about halfway through that time.

This blog has kind of gotten away from its original purpose, which was to keep myself accountable to those flighty New Years' Resolutions that people often make, and to force myself to make proactive changes in my life to improve my quality of living and lessen my unhappiness.  This was a stark change to my previous strategy of sitting around and moping about being unhappy because of ___ and blaming God for that unhappiness.  And so I started writing - I started writing about exercising, about eating healthier, about studying more, about working harder, about strengthening friendships.  I got back to living my life, instead of waiting for my life to fix itself.

What I didn't realize then, but which I understand more fully now, is that in taking control of my life in this way, I was allowing God to heal and transform me.  I may have been "controlling" my life, but it was God who was fixing it.

I now understand how my dark night of the soul transformed my relationship with God last year.  I used to think that doing God's will or following God's plan was a matter of figuring out the entire plan, and then chasing after it with full force.  Naturally, when my perception of "the plan" was uprooted, my faith system crumbled.  Distressed and confused, I subconsciously jumped to the opposite extreme, which was to do nothing and expect God to just "fix" it - the only problem was that I didn't really believe that God would do it, nor was I bothering to maintain a relationship with God since I felt that God was the one who had messed up, not me.

Then the new year came around, and I was fed up with my life, and I started to make some changes.  I thought about what I wanted my life to look like, I made some goals, and I started working towards them.  Somehow, in the midst of all of this, my faith began to rejuvenate itself.  The more I threw myself into my new life, the more I unknowingly allowed God's new plan to take effect in my life.  But in order for God's plan to take root, I had to do something.  I had to take responsibility not only for my faith, but for all areas of my life. I had to be willing to put in the work so that God's plan could take place.

This is what I realized recently, and what I was contemplating today at orientation: the ways in which God's plan is misconstrued and misunderstood.  I now believe that God's plan isn't about knowing the plan and then following the map, nor is it about expecting God to do everything for you while you sit around and wait.  I believe that God desires us to live our lives, and trust that He will be with us every step of the way, whether we know it or not.  Living a Christian life isn't about letting God take responsibility for everything...it's about taking responsibility for our own lives, and letting God work through them.

It took nearly a year for me to go through my dark night, and while it was an exceedingly difficult period in my life, I am now very grateful for it.  I feel that, for the first time in my life, I understand what it means to live God's will in a practical, realistic way.  Before, I never felt confident that I was "doing it right" because I either couldn't figure out the plan, or the plan wasn't working out the way I thought it was supposed to and I wondered why God wasn't holding up his end of the deal.

I'm done with that now.  I'm ready to live my life, and see what God does with it...one step at a time.

Goodbye Summer...

Today was my last official day of summer - tomorrow I have to be up bright and early for an all-day internship orientation, and then do the same on Wednesday, and then do the same for a lesser amount of time on Thursday evening.  If there's anything that can be said about the Perkins School of Theology, it's that they like to orient people.

I spent the day having lunch and much-needed conversation with a friend, going grocery shopping (finally), watching last week's episode of Project Runway, eating dinner with several school friends and about 20 Hispanic people (my friends live in a new monastic house that hosts community dinners weekly), briefly talking with my boyfriend on the phone (where he confirmed that he is still alive and well on his trip to California, which is good), and watching Funny Face in the evening.  And now it is ten minutes to midnight, and I must be at SMU around 8:15am to become oriented to my internship, and although I recognize that I need sleep, I am reluctant to go to bed because it marks the official end of my summer vacation.  But I really think this is going to be a good year...might as well get started!

Busy Day!

Today was quite the busy day...throughout the course of the day I spent time with or talked on the phone with about three or four times as many people as I usually do, between church with friends, lunch with friends, hanging out at friends' house this afternoon, skype with the family, several phone calls with friends, and Bible study tonight.  I really feel all social-ed out; I only had about an hour today when I wasn't talking to anybody.  It was surprisingly exhausting!

Sorry the blogs have gotten short again...it's been one heck of a week.  SO much has happened, and writing has fallen by the wayside.  Gotta get my writing groove back!

But not tonight.  Tonight, I'm going to read for a bit and fall asleep :)

Circuses...and Boyfriends

Today I went to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey circus on a date, which was all fun.  At a later point in the evening, my date became my boyfriend :)

Yeah.  It was a good day.

Belonging

There is nothing like going on a wonderful date, meeting with your new boss to discuss your new job, and signing an apartment lease renewal agreement within a single 24-hour period to make you feel like you belong somewhere.  And that is what my past 24 hours included.

Well, technically, I'm including yesterday evening in that statement, but it did all happen in a 24 hour period.  The rest of the 48 hours was filled in with sleeping, and watching a movie over takeout Chinese food with a friend.

Still, as I was walking back to my apartment from the leasing office today, I realized that for the first time since I moved here last August, I really, truly feel like I belong in Dallas.

And that is a very good feeling.

Great Night

By far the most significant thing that happened today was that I went on a date that went really, really well.  Unfortunately for you people, I've made it a rule to not discuss dating details on this blog (out of respect for the guy, for myself, and for the natural demands of privacy).  But suffice it to say that it was a really great night!

Actually, my unwillingness to divulge date details to the world wide web actually plays in my favor, because I'm absolutely exhausted and need to get to bed.  So goodnight, blog readers...I leave you in mystery :-P

Oy. Food Poisoning.

Yeah.  I had it, and it was not.  fun.

It was so not fun that I have purposefully chosen to use poor punctuation and capitalization to emphasize how not fun it was.

Even more not fun was the fact that I had all this food poisoning (which, incidentally, I blame on the otherwise tasty KFC chicken fingers I ate for dinner last night) in the middle of a severe thunderstorm-induced power outage between 3:00-5:30am.  And as not fun as food poisoning is on its own, being sick by the light of your cell phone in an otherwise pitch black hotel room is even worse.

The good news is that now I am feeling somewhat better.  I made it back to Dallas just fine, where I hastily unpacked the car before crashing for a 2 hour nap (and therefore not unpacking anything further), and I felt a lot better when I woke up - so much so, in fact, that I went to dinner at Pei Wei with friends.  I ordered the Kids Meal of Honey Seared Chicken with Brown Rice, which was tame and yet tasted good, and surprisingly cheap in comparison to the normal meal (and more properly portioned).  Surprisingly, I felt better after eating a whole meal.

Unfortunately, now I'm starting to feel ever so slightly sick again, but I think it's more tiredness than anything.  So I'm off to curl up in my (much missed) queen-sized bed, and go to sleep.

Sountrack of a Road Trip

It's a seven-CD trip from St. Louis, MO to Muskogee, OK.  Here's what my trip sounded like today...

CD #1: Country



CD #2: Boy Band



CD #3: Broadway



CD #4: Obscure Independent Musician



CD #5: Alternative Rock



CD #6: Embarrassing Childhood Favorite



CD #7: Pop Country

Communication is Good

I think that this is true.  Communication is better than not communicating...whether that communication is intentional or unintentional.  I've realized the good side of my unintentional text communication of yesterday (even though I'm still horribly embarrassed and occasionally want to smack my head into the wall)...AND, a friend of mine finally made the decision to communicate his feelings with a certain girl, with positive results.  So communication...it's a good thing.  I'm not any expert on relationships, but I hear that being open and honest about your feelings is important.  I'm glad that I accidentally forced myself into it, and I'm glad that my friend decided to communicate as well (side note: I may have been a major player in persuading him to communicate these feelings.  Ironic, no?)

In other news, I spent the day packing for the trip back to Dallas.  My car is now stuffed with my giant purple suitcase, a cast iron patio chair, and an electric keyboard, among other things, and I will head off on the first leg of the journey tomorrow morning.  In a lot of ways, I'm looking forward to going back...I have a lot of good things waiting for me when I get back to Dallas, and I really feel like this is going to be a good year.  But, it's always hard to leave my family, and I'm sure I'll have a tearful goodbye tomorrow morning (especially given that I already had a tearful "goodnight" a couple hours ago).  I'm really glad that I got to spend this time at home...but my life is in Dallas now, and back to reality I must go.

See you in Muskogee.

That Was Horrifying.

So I did something absolutely horrifying tonight...I sent a text message concerning a certain person to that same person by mistake...

That was worded poorly.  Imagine receiving a text message that has your name in it that was clearly not intended for you, and you'll get the idea.

Even more horrifying, this particular situation included a guy that I'm currently dating.

Yeah.

Luckily, the wayward text didn't include some deep dark secret or something about another guy or anything like that.  Actually, I was just texting my friend and personal dating guru Ashley to tell her that I was "pretty nervous" about seeing this guy again (primarily because I haven't seen him for a month, along with lesser, more complex reasons).  Really, I was texting her so she would tell me that everything would be fine and that I'm a wonderful person and that i'm nervous about nothing, etc.

Too bad I sent it to the guy himself.

*face-palm*

I was so embarrassed.  And horrified.  But now, I'm actually really glad for my mistake...because the guy in question was really, really sweet about it.  I've found lately that I tend to hold back in communication, and in a way this forced me into communication that I think was necessary.  Even better, the nervousness about seeing him has now given way to excitement.  So that's good :)

Even so, I hope I'll always remember to check the "Recipient" box twice before sending a text message from now on...

Family Fun

Today my family had to go and have fun and take a picture of it.  Here it is now:

My mom's school posts pictures of the teachers having summer family fun in the school foyer as part of the back-to-school decorations.  Although our family is quite close and we often have fun together doing family fun things, we rarely take photos of all four of us...including on that entire week-long vacation we just took to West Virginia.  Weird.  Anyway, it worked out to our benefit, because it gave us an excuse to go to Ted Drewes for frozen custard.  It was all delicious; strawberry shortcake with ice cream on top is always welcome in my life.

This does mean that I've had ice cream four times throughout the past week...oh well.  It's all in the name of family fun. :)

Things I Didn't Write: "The Great Gatsby"

It is nearly impossible for me to read a book without a pencil in my hand.  If it's for schoolwork, it's to highlight the things that are important and make notes in the margins...but even when I read for fun, I'll often take a pencil and underline certain passages that strike me in some fashion.  I think it's a writer thing.

Over the past couple weeks I've been reading The Great Gatsby...really, I've been rereading it, but as the last time I read it was nine years ago in the 9th grade, when I was 14, I don't think that truly counts.  I remember vaguely liking the book then, but I've appreciated it much, much more reading it now.  I still have a chapter to go before I finish, but here are some of the passages that have gained pencil marks as I've been reading...

It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life.  It faced - or seemed to face - the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor.  It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.

I wasn't actually in love, but I felt a sort of tender curiosity.

"You always have a green light that burns all night at the end of your dock."  Daisy put her arm through his abruptly, but he seemed absorbed in what he had just said.  Possibly it had occurred to him that the colossal significance of that light had now vanished forever.  Compared to the great distance that had separated him from Daisy it had seemed very near to her, almost touching her.  It had seemed as close as a star to the moon.  Now it was again a green light on a dock.  His count of enchanted objects had diminished by one.

His parents were shiftless and unsuccessful farm people - his imagination had never really accepted them as his parents at all.  The truth was that Jay Gatsby of West Egg, Long Island, sprang from his Platonic conception of himself...So he invented just the sort of Jay Gatsby that a seventeen-year-old boy would be likely to invent, and to this conception he was faithful to the end.

She saw something awful in the very simplicity she failed to understand.

And there you have it: some things that F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote.  Now I'm off to finish the book...

Hum Dee Dum...

An hour ago I looked over at my sister and said, "This is one of those days where I don't have anything good to write about."  She nodded vaguely in acknowledgement.

The fact stands, however, that today did not yield a great many blog-worthy comments.  I slept in late, ate Chinese food with my mom and sister while watching an old Doug cartoon (that was TWENTY YEARS OLD...does that blow anyone's mind?), went for a "run" (it was mostly walking or feeling like I wanted to die), fiddled with my budget, watched some TV, and bought an $8 planner (score!)  Oh, and I did some laundry.

And now you know.  And I'm sure you're really grateful that you know all of that now.

Although I'll be sad to leave my family next week, I'm starting to be excited to go back to Dallas...vacation is getting a little redundant.  I'm sure I'll feel differently once I start back into work-school-study mode.  But I really feel like this is going to be a good year, and I'm starting to be excited for it to get started!

A Minty Day

My day involved two types of mint.  Well, three if you count the mint toothpaste, but that's not too unusual.

Minty Thing #1: Budgeting

I signed up for Mint.com, a free budgeting site that automatically tracks and categorizes your spending.  Basically, it's the same as the budget spreadsheet I made in Excel earlier this year, but I don't have to personally enter all my transactions since it pulls directly from my online banking statement.  I feel like this is going to be a really, really good thing for me, because the reason I was having trouble sticking to the budget was because I was horrible at remembering to enter all my spending into the budget.  It's a bad excuse to be bad at sticking to a budget, but it's true.  My new plan is to check this daily to have an idea of where I am in all my spending categories, not exceed any one category, and hopefully transfer whatever is left over at the end of each month into my savings account.  I still need to shuffle things around a bit and do some math to figure out what my budget limits should be, but I'm excited to take better control of my spending (not that I'm a wild spender, but I definitely want to be smart about where my money is going.

Minty Thing #2: Ice Cream

I made my valiant return to The Fountain on Locust today (home of the world's best roast beef sandwich, described in detail in this post).  I took my friend Jessica along, and she now shares my opinion that The Fountain provided the best meal of her entire life, declaring that the sandwich made her want to cry and that she was going to go back into the kitchen and marry the guy who made our dinners (unless, of course, God made it, which also seemed likely).  Of course, we ordered dessert: I ordered the "Three Coins in a Fountain": Zanzibar Chocolate, Vanilla Deluxe, and After Dinner Mint ice cream, hot fudge, real whipped cream, and three chocolate coins.  Yeah.  It was soooooooo good...it tasted like a Girl Scout Thin Mint cookie in ice cream form.  Hands down the best ice cream I've had this summer (and I've had a LOT of ice cream this summer)...

Oh, yes.

And yes, I did eat that whole thing, thank you very much.  I asked Jessica if she'd like to consider splitting a dessert, and after a moment's hesitation she replied, "Well, I would...but I just feel like God made this meal for ME...and I wouldn't want to offend Him by sharing it with you..."  Hence, we each had our own dish of monumental ice cream.  Because, if you're going to have some ice cream, HAVE SOME ICE CREAM.

But don't worry, that ice cream went right into my restaurant budget for the month...and into my stomach :)

"You can't dig for gold, you don't even have an axe!"

Today was "Financial Aid Award" acceptance day.  This day sounds all happy and exciting, but it most certainly is not.

My full tuition scholarship is fun to accept.  That's a REAL award.  In fact, it's so fun that the school automatically accepts it for me.

What is NOT fun is accepting the many thousands of dollars in federal student loans that are necessary to cover my living expenses while in school.  You would think that with a full scholarship I wouldn't need to take out other loans...except that my school schedule/internship makes working enough hours to cover apartment rent and food and all that good stuff difficult.  So here come the loans.

Last year, being my first year living on my own, I was very relieved to have these loans, because I was worried about living on my own and managing to pay for everything by myself.  This year, I find these loans to be horrifying...because although I realize that they are necessary, I also realize that by May I will have tripled my undergraduate debt...and that was no small figure in itself.

So I did what all mature, independent young graduate students do:  I stared at the "Accept Awards" checkbox on the computer screen for about 30 minutes, got all teary, went to Target with my family to distract myself, talked with the family about my chagrin, got all teary, sulked for an hour or so, and went to Dairy Queen.

Then I finally sucked it up and accepted the loans that I know will be necessary to get me through this year with a roof over my head, food in my stomach, gas in my car, textbooks on my shelves, etc.

Throughout the day, I thought a lot about paying these loans back, and came to the conclusion that I'm just going to have to marry rich.  The only problem is, I'm really not the gold digger type; besides the fact that my hair isn't beach blonde and my skin isn't unnaturally tan and I don't carry dogs in my purse, I also am too genuine of a person to marry for money.  As much as I'm in favor of money and would like to have some of it, I'm one of those money-can't-buy-happiness kind of people.  Darn it.

As my sister put it when my family was discussing my anti-gold-digger persona tonight: "You can't dig for gold, you don't even have an axe!"

But at this point, I'm willing to take a pickaxe and start smashing some rocks.  I'll get back to you on the results.

Some Quick Thoughts on Love and Stuff

As much as I hate to admit it, I like The Bachelorette.  It's one of my few flaws.  Anyway, tonight was the season finale, and Ashley chose her final guy (I'll spare the name just in case my fellow Bachelorette fans haven't watched it yet).  It was an intense show tonight...heartbreak is never easy to watch, and with two guys ready to propose to the same girl, heartbreak is inevitable.

But what kept striking me over and over was the way that Ashley kept talking about the expected proposal.  These reality TV love shows always end in proposals, you know.  Multiple times, Ashley referred to the proposal as her "happy ending."  That bugged me.  Because, I don't feel like the marriage proposal should be considered the happy ending...it should be a happy beginning.

I think that even today, girls have it hammered into them from an early age that their "happy ending" is to ride off into the sunset with their prince charming with a shiny ring on their finger.  But if that's the happy ending, then what else is there?  I'm no expert on life past young adulthood, but I'm fairly certain that there's a whole heck of a lot of stuff that happens after you ride off into the sunset together...to call a wedding proposal, or even to call marriage a "happy ending" is doing an injustice to the rest of your life, I think - whether to that part of your life that shows up after you say "I do", or to that part of your life that wasn't "happy" enough because it didn't yet include a spouse.

So, if and when I become engaged, I would like that to be my "happy continuation" - presumably, if me and Mr. Future Husband are getting engaged, a certain level of happiness has already been attained, and hopefully there remains much happiness to be discovered.  None of this "happy ending" talk, please.

Just something to think on...